Blisters on Her Feet
by Annie Sparklecakes
Summary: "I owe it to my team. I am going to CRUSH my competition, and take the title of Miss Konoha. It's your turn to look at my back - again!" CRACK. ShikaSaku.
1. Chapter 1

I am a writing _machine_ lately! Anyway, I always wanted to write a ShikaSaku – though I imagined it would be marginally more serious than this. But alas. Well, crack-fics _are _my… crack. Yeah. This fic makes no sense, of course. But then, it isn't supposed to. So we're cool.

**Blanket disclaimer: **I own nothing someone else does. I barely own the idea. Nor do I own the movie I quote from below, _Miss Congeniality__. _(Which is the best movie ever. Ever.)

This chapter's for **ohwhatsherface**, who inspired the fic.

* * *

**Blisters on Her Feet**

_"I would so love to hurt you right now."  
"As long as you smile."  
—Gracie Hart, Victor Melling, _Miss Congeniality

"Troublesome. I refuse."

"What makes you think you have a choice?" Tsunade asked, raising an eyebrow. She leaned across her desk, elbows on the table. "Look, Shikamaru. You napped while we were rebuilding the village. You watch clouds when you're supposed to be guarding the gates – despite everything that has happened lately. You haven't handed in a proper mission report in months—"

"Too troublesome," Shikamaru repeated.

"So you've said." Tsunade sighed, dropping her head into her hands. She looked tired; Shikamaru had that effect on people. "Listen, Shikamaru. You are a constant thorn in my side."

"Charming," Shikamaru muttered.

"What was that?"

"Nothing, nothing…"

"Didn't think so." Tsunade smiled tightly. "As I was saying, you pain in my ass, I only keep you around because you have a brain."

"I appreciate it, Tsunade-sama."

"Yeah, I'm not convinced." But she was smiling. "The _point is_, you got on my bad side and I'm getting back at you."

Shikamaru stared at her. No wonder his village was crazy.

-x-

"Ew, no way."

"Sakura. I'm sorry, but you don't have a choice here." Tsunade folded her hands on her – for once spotless – desk. She arranged her features to look appropriately sympathetic. Sakura didn't appear convinced.

"But I'm really too busy," Sakura protested. "I mean, my apartment isn't finished being rebuilt yet, and I'm living with Naruto, and it is _so gross_. Plus, I've been so busy at the hospital, and, you know, I was looking for some mission reports, so I could update my patients' files, and a bunch are missing. Do you know where—"

Tsunade held up a hand. "I get it. You're busy. But you know what, Sakura?" She didn't let her answer. "I'm busy, too."

"…"

"I am _Hokage_, Sakura. I have to run a village, hand out missions, maintain peaceful relations with those other stuck-up prisses, and I have to teach you."

"Well, sor_ry,_" Sakura muttered.

"What was that?"

"Nothing, shishou…"

"I thought so." Tsunade fiddled with the ends of her hair, regarding her prized pupil. "The _point is_, Sakura, despite all my commitments, I make time for the things that matter." She reached down, disappearing behind her desk for a moment. "Thins like _this_," she said, and when she popped back up, she was holding a bottle of sake and wearing a goofy smile.

Sakura stared.

"If I can make time for drinking, you can make time for prancing and floating and…" Tsunade waved a hand. "That stuff. You know."

Sakura tried again. "But I don't _want_ to—"

"Of _course _you do," Tsunade cut in, uncapping her bottle and taking a long swig. As if there wasn't an ANBU captain sitting outside, waiting to see her. "You're competitive. You like tiaras. Beauty pageants are right up your alley."

Sakura rolled her eyes. "Try again."

Tsunade shrugged. "I already signed you up. You don't have a choice."

"Shishou!"

She grinned. "It pays to be Hokage. Now go away; your coach will come by Naruto's apartment soon."

Sakura turned on her heel and stomped out, fuming. She slammed the door behind her, and Tsunade _tsk_ed.

Sakura's team had their work cut out for them.

-x-

Sakura did _not _go back home to wait for her so-called coach. She couldn't defy the Hokage, but she _could _annoy her mentor.

Heh.

She returned to the hospital. She had finished her rounds before going to see Tsunade, so now she headed to the ICU. She was most useful there. Unfortunately, Shizune was waiting for her, and as soon as she saw her, she beckoned Sakura over.

"Tsunade-sama wants you to go home," she said with a weary smile. Clearly, she felt the same way as Sakura did about their Hokage's latest plan.

Sakura bristled. "The hospital _needs me_," she said.

Shizune held out a hand. "That's why I'm here. I'll cover for you." When Sakura didn't move, she added in a low voice, "I'll call you if you're needed, okay? Tsunade-sama said not to, but I will. I promise."

Sakura hesitated, then nodded. "I'm only doing this because she's my _boss_," Sakura grumbled.

"Of course," Shizune said soothingly, hiding a smile as Sakura stalked off.

Tsunade was a _genius._

-x-

The Hokage was _nuts_ if she thought this would work, Kakashi thought as he knocked on the door to Naruto's apartment. But he was the only one who seemed to think so, judging by the way Ino was grinning, or the way Sai kept flipping through a notepad, nodding to himself.

The door opened, and Kakashi straightened – but it was only Naruto, blinking blearily.

"What?" he asked around a yawn. Kakashi raised an eyebrow. It was nearly noon; had he just woken up? Naruto met his gaze, interpreting it correctly and saying, defensively, "Sakura-chan hogs my bed all night. I can only sleep when she leaves for work."

"What a waste," Kakashi said with a sigh.

Naruto reddened. "Why are you _here?_" he asked, ignoring him.

"We're looking for Sakura," Ino said excitedly. "We're her style team!"

"Style team?" Naruto echoed, frowning. "What's that?"

Ino bounced up and down on the balls of her feet, beaming. "We're going to make Forehead-girl _beautiful_."

"Sakura-chan's already beautiful," Naruto said automatically. "And she's at work. Come by in the evening."

"That's okay, Naruto," Sakura said. Everyone turned to see Sakura, coming up the sidewalk. She didn't look happy.

"Sakura!" Ino sang, skipping away from the door to meet her.

"Ino," Sakura said flatly. "Don't tell me – you're my coach?"

"Close," Kakashi said. "She's your stylist. _I'm _your coach."

Sakura stared. So did Naruto.

"Why don't we start from the beginning?" Kakashi said, stifling a weary sigh. "Naruto, let us in."

Naruto stepped aside wordlessly, and Kakashi and Sai traipsed through the door. Ino was quick to follow, leading Sakura – who exchanged a disturbed look with Naruto – by the hand.

Naruto shut the door.

"Ew," Ino said, picking up a pair of pants draped on a chair by the tips of her fingers, nose scrunched in distaste. She tossed it unceremoniously to the floor, ignoring Naruto's protests. "This place smells funny."

"It smells like _man_," Naruto corrected, leaning against the back of the couch Sakura sat on, beside Sai, who blinked up at him.

"_Man _smells like sweat and ramen? I see."

"Ew," Ino said again.

Kakashi cleared his throat, and all eyes turned to him. "If you don't mind," he said, "We _are _here for a reason."

"Right," Naruto said. "What's up?"

"We're not here for _you_," Ino said. "Always have to be the center of attention, don't you?"

"Like you can talk!"

"I can, actually," Ino said, "Because I'm stepping down so that Sakura has a chance at the limelight for once—"

"That really isn't necessary," Sakura cut in. she was ignored.

"Ugly's going to be in a beauty pageant," Sai said. All eyes turned to him. Sakura reached over and socked him in the arm. "Ow."

"I would've put it better," Ino said, "But yes, that's basically it. Tsunade-sama is holding a Miss Konoha contest to, I don't know, boost morale. Or something. Whatever. Point is, Sakura's going to be up on stage in a swimsuit, and we have work to do—"

Naruto had been listening to this all quietly, if bemusedly. At the word _'swimsuit'_, however, he straightened abruptly, glowering at Ino.

"Sakura-chan is _not _going on stage in a swimsuit."

Ino scoffed. "Like you don't want to see it."

Naruto tried very hard to keep his scowl in place. Sakura glared up at him and he gave up, shrugging sheepishly.

"Okay. Maybe a little. But not on stage. The answer is _no_."

"It wasn't a question, Naruto." Kakashi had his book out and looked rather bored – like he would rather be anywhere else in the world at that moment. "It's an order straight from the Hokage. Sakura's a contestant. I'm her coach. Ino's her stylist. Sai's doing her wardrobe."

Sakura glanced at Sai. "If you put me in anything whore-ish, I'll shove your head through a brick wall."

"I won't," Sai said serenely. "No one wants to see that, anyway."

Sometimes, Sakura was sure Sai knew _exactly _what he was saying, and just pretended he didn't so she wouldn't hit him. She hit him anyway.

"That's no way for Miss Team Seven to behave," Kakashi said.

"'Miss Team Seven'?" Sakura echoed, appalled.

Kakashi shrugged. "I couldn't think of anything better."

"I liked 'The Crusher,'" Ino said.

"This is ridiculous," Sakura said. She was still appalled. 'Miss Team Seven'! It was terrible!

"When's the contest?" Naruto demanded.

"Starts in a week," Ino said. "It lasts three days."

"Who else is competing?" Sakura asked wearily.

"Hyuuga Hinata and her sister," Kakashi said, "Tenten, Shiho… Anko… uh, some girl I don't know, some other girl… Karin… and Temari."

"She's not even from Konoha," Naruto said.

"And there's also an age limit, yet Anko entered," Ino said. "But Sakura, get this – Ami's entering!"

"Ami?"

"Watanabe," she said impatiently. "Remember her? Bully with the bad hair?"

"Oh." Sakura made a face. "I hated her."

"Right! Which is why you need to _beat her_," Ino said.

Sakura shook her head. "_I'm _not the one who needs convincing," she said, and turned to Naruto. He was scowling.

"I'm telling Sasuke," he proclaimed, and jumped out the window.

"Why do all our friends refuse to use doors?" Ino asked.

-x-

"No way," Chouji laughed. "No _way_."

"Would you stop saying that?" Shikamaru grumbled. "It was bad enough the first time." He poked at his untouched plate of chicken, then sighed, passing it to Chouji. He couldn't eat.

"Sorry," Chouji said, digging into the fresh plate with no small amount of glee. "But it's ridiculous. I mean, _you_, of all people, a _judge _for a _beauty pageant."_

Shikamaru groaned. "Funny, I thought telling you would _help_."

"Can't be sympathetic, sorry," Chouji said. "It's just too funny. Pass me a napkin."

Shikamaru sighed, taking a napkin from the dispenser and handing it over. "I need new friends," he said, and slid out of the booth.

Unaware of the eyes watching him, Shikamaru wondered, idly, whether Sai was in the market for a best bud.

* * *

Yeah, this chapter is super short, but I promise they won't stay this long. It just didn't feel right to go on. **Next** **chapter**: Sasuke finds out about the pageant, Sakura's training starts, and a contestant turns to criminal activity! :O


	2. Chapter 2

** Blisters on Her Feet**

"_So you're saying I _have to_ wear the bathing suit."  
__"Yeah. You _have to_ wear the bathing suit."  
—Gracie Hart, Eric Matthews, _Miss Congeniality

"Sasuke! You'll never believe what Sakura-chan is—"

Naruto barreled into Sasuke's apartment, knocking down the door as he did so. He looked down at it and mused, for a moment, on how Sasuke really had to get that door fixed one day. It didn't take any effort at all to knock it down.

"Sasuke?"

The apartment was dark, and Naruto felt his way to Sasuke's room.

"God, what's _wrong _with you? What, does light burn you, or something? You're such a freak. Why don't you open a window?"

No answer. Naruto finally found a light switch and flicked it on. He was in the kitchen. Sasuke was nowhere to be found, though when Naruto strained, he could hear rustling coming from Sasuke's bedroom.

"Sasuke?" He swallowed, inching towards the partially-opened bedroom door. "Shout if I'm about to interrupt something nasty."

Still nothing. Steeling himself, Naruto reached forward and pushed open the door. He stepped into the room.

Sasuke sat cross-legged on his bed, a scroll in his hands. He was staring at the wall, looking shocked to the core. He didn't move when Naruto entered, didn't even seem to notice neither him nor the Jounin crouched in front of him.

"Whoa," Naruto said. The other figure turned to look at him. It was Neji. "What's wrong with him?"

"He's in shock," Neji said. He stood up and stepped back from Sasuke warily. "He's been like this since he read the message."

"What is it?"

"A mission from the Hokage?"

"What? A mission?" That couldn't be right. Sasuke wasn't allowed to take any missions yet. He was on probation.

Neji nodded, and Naruto moved forward to pluck the scroll from Sasuke's fingers. He didn't resist, and Naruto shot him a worried look. What could _possibly _affect Sasuke like this?

He read the mission scroll. Then reread it to make sure he got it right. Neji waited silently.

Naruto looked up. Neji looked expectant. Sasuke looked like a mess.

"We need to go see Sakura-chan," Naruto said grimly. "She needs to hear this."

-x-

"Hey, Shikamaru," Chouji said, dropping into the seat across from his best friend. "Two meals in one day? You must really like me." He was grinning as he ordered his meal.

Shikamaru didn't return the smile, didn't even reply. Chouji studied his uncharacteristically serious expression and felt his enthusiasm begin to slip away.

"Shikamaru? Hey, you okay?"

Shikamaru sighed, rubbing his eyes tiredly. "I feel weird."

"Indigestion-weird, or I'm-judging-a-ninja-beauty-pageant-weird?"

Shikamaru shot him a look. "I feel like I'm being watched."

"Oh. So… paranoid-weird." When Shikamaru glowered at him, Chouji laughed. "Sorry. But come on, Shikamaru. We just survived Akatsuki. You're nervous about the pageant. It's okay. You're no less of a man for it."

Shikamaru sighed. "You're probably right. Just… be careful, okay? Don't let your guard down." He stood, tossing a few bills down. "Sorry, but I have to go find Ino. Do you have any idea where she is?"

A waitress came over with Chouji's food, and he answered, already distracted, "She's helping one of the contestants, I think."

Shikamaru's relief at Ino not having entered the pageant was short-lived. She was still involved. She would make this _hell_. "Who's she helping?" he asked.

Chouji raised an eyebrow. "Can't you guess?"

Shikamaru didn't even have to think.

"Great," he groaned.

-x-

"Sakura, your posture _sucks_. Stop slouching!"

Sai helpfully yanked Sakura's shoulders back, and she nearly stumbled. "Ow!" The three textbooks she had been balancing on her head toppled over and crashed around her feet, and she cursed. "Dammit, Sai, I was doing so well!"

"No, Sakura," Kakashi said, flipping a page in his book, "You really weren't."

"You haven't even been _watching_," she pointed out, exasperated.

"I'm covering the swimsuit section," he said.

"Ew." She sighed, dropping onto Naruto's couch and tugging off the heels she was wearing. "Your shoes are too small, Ino. They _hurt_."

"Don't be such a baby," Ino said. "They're all we have right now." Sakura looked pathetic, moping on the couch, rubbing her sore feet. Ino rolled her eyes. "Fine, take a five-minute break."

"Generous." Sakura sighed, letting her head fall back. She closed her eyes. She had been practicing her walk for over an hour now. She remembered a time when she walked gracefully, lightly. Only three years ago, she would have belonged in a beauty pageant. Now she didn't. It made her kind of proud. It meant that she was different, that she was _kunoichi._

It frustrated Ino to no end, though.

"Alright, Sakura, back to work!"

Sakura's eyes flew open. Ino was standing over her with her checklist of things to do. Sakura scowled at it. "That was _not _five minutes!"

"Of course it was," Ino said briskly, not meeting her gaze. Sakura continued to scowl. "Okay, so it wasn't, but we have a _lot _to do, Sakura! I mean, we have to work on your manners, and then we have to get your clothes, and talent, and—"

Sakura dropped her head into her hands. "That's it," she muttered, voice muffled by her palms, "I'm moving to Suna."

"As long as it's after the pageant," Ino said. "Sai! Get those books!"

"_Ino," _Sakura began. But she was cut off by Naruto crashing through his own window. The glass shattered, shards sprinkling over his carpet. He didn't seem to notice. He looked petrified, gesturing to Sasuke, standing beside him.

"Sakura-chan! Trouble!"

Immediately, Sakura was at his side, peering at Sasuke. He didn't appear to see her, even though she was right in front of him. "Sasuke-kun?" she tried. His expression didn't change, and she felt her pulse race. "Sasuke-kun?"

The others had crowded around them now.

"Is he okay?" Ino asked, looking alarmed.

Kakashi flicked him in the forehead. "Sasuke?"

"Traitor?" Sai called. When he got no response, he turned to Naruto. "What happened?"

Naruto looked grim. He held a scroll out to Sakura. "He got this from the Hokage."

Sakura took the scroll with shaking fingers. What could possibly have sent Sasuke into such shock?

She backed away from the group as she unwound the scroll. She skimmed it quickly. Than blinked, whirling around.

"Is this a _mission?" _she demanded.

Naruto nodded.

"This is worse than _mine_," Sakura said. The others stared between her and Naruto, looking confused. "Sasuke-kun!" She stepped closer, waving the scroll in front of him. The sight of it seemed to snap Sasuke out of his trance, and he blinked down at her. "Don't worry! I won't let you do this."

"Do _what_?" Ino asked.

"His mission," Sakura said distastefully, "is to be the _prize _for this pageant."

Kakashi glanced at Sasuke. "You mean…" He sounded amused.

Sasuke nodded miserably.

"He's going to be _Mister _Konoha – Miss Konoha's escort for a week," Naruto explained to Ino and Sai. They looked appropriately appalled.

Sakura tossed the scroll to the floor. "No _way_," she said. "I'm not going to let you do that, Sasuke-kun."

She stomped over to Sai, took the textbooks from his arms, and set them atop her head once more. Her spine was ramrod straight, shoulders pulled back, head held high, as she announced, "I owe it to my team – to Sasuke-kun. I am going to _crush _my competition, and take the title of Miss Konoha. It's your turn to look at my back – again!"

Ino applauded, looking a bit teary. Sasuke sighed in relief. Sakura turned to practice her walking once more, guided by Sai.

Naruto watched her go, staring hard at her back.

Then he sighed.

"I don't get it…"

-x-

Three hours later, Sakura's walk was perfected. Her first outfit was being worked on by Sai, and Ino had had the opportunity to experiment with her hair (it was tricky to find a suitable hairstyle with what she had to work with), and Kakashi had started drilling her on how to behave. It was remarkable how hard she had worked after hearing of Sasuke's mission.

_Whatever works, _Ino thought happily, walking away from Naruto's apartment. As she rounded the corner, she sensed a familiar presence, and grinned. _Just _the teammate she wanted to see.

"Don't tell me," she began. "You've already decided on a winner."

"You're not even competing," Shikamaru said, slipping out of the shade of a tree to fall into step beside her.

"I didn't mean me," she said. "I meant my best friend."

"The pageant hasn't even started yet."

"So?"

"I'm not biased," he said. "I'm going to judge fairly."

Ino snorted. "Like you'll even _watch _the pageant. You'll be asleep."

"Funny," he said dryly. "But that's not why I'm here. I've been waiting for you. Have you—"

Ino cut in, holding up a hand. "Wait, wait." She stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, turning to face him. "How long were you waiting for me?"

"…Not long."

"Liar." Ino laughed, putting a hand on her hip. "Don't tell me you were too scared to come inside."

"…"

"Scared of me? Or Sakura?" she asked, waggling her eyebrows. "I mean, she's a bit grumpy now, so I would get that, but, come _on_. She's like a puppy. And me, sure, you _should _be scared, but—" She shook her head. "Coward."

"Enough," Shikamaru said wearily. "I'm not scared of you _or _Sakura. I'm a little scared of the two of you together, but…" He trailed off, rubbing his eyes tiredly. "That's not what I came to say. Have you noticed anything weird?"

"Weird how?"

"I feel like I'm being watched," Shikamaru said, resisting the urge to glance over his shoulder. "Like right now."

Ino stared at him. "I think you're paranoid," she said.

Shikamaru sighed. He was a ninja. He was _supposed _to be paranoid.

Ino squeezed his arm. "I'll keep an eye out, okay?"

"Thanks." Sometimes, Ino was more tolerable than Chouji. _Sometimes. _"Be careful, okay?"

"Always am," she said brightly. Then she grinned. "You shouldn't stress so much, Shikamaru. You'll get wrinkles."

Shikamaru sighed, Ino laughed, and they parted with a word of farewell.

Shikamaru shuffled to his house, still unable to shake off a feeling of foreboding. And when he opened the door, he discovered that his gut instincts had been right.

"Shikamaru?" Shikaku called, coming down the hallway. He looked dead serious, and Shikamaru felt his stomach churn. "Have you seen Chouji today?"

"Yeah." Shikamaru cleared his throat. "I saw him at lunch. Why?"

Shikaku's expression was pinched. Shikamaru's mouth went dry. "Choza came by a while ago. He said Chouji was missing."

"Maybe he's training. Or something."

Shikaku shook his head. "That's what I said. But Chouji had a training session with his father today. He wouldn't miss it." He rubbed his temples. "No one has seen him all day. Chouza's worried." He shrugged. "Probably because of all that's happened." When Shikamaru didn't reply, Shikaku added, "Don't worry. He's probably just being paranoid."

"Paranoid," Shikamaru echoed. "Right."

"Don't worry, Shikamaru," Shikaku said again.

Shikamaru nodded, then disappeared down the hall to his bedroom. He headed straight for hid bed, flopped down, and closed his eyes.

What a day, Shikamaru thought tiredly. He was given the worst mission of his life, and his best friend was missing. Could things get worse?

He rolled onto his side, towards the window. A breeze was flowing through the curtains, and he frowned. He never left the window open when he was out.

Shikamaru opened his eyes. There, stuck to his half-open window, was a note. Shikamaru hesitated only a moment before sitting up and reaching out for it.

_Shikamaru, _it read in purple-inked scrawl, _By now, you know Chouji is missing. I have him._

Shikamaru sat up straighter.

_He's tied up and terrified, Shikamaru. Waiting for his best friend to save him. Will you save him?_

_I haven't hurt him, yet, and I won't – if you do as I say. I've entered the Miss Konoha beauty pageant, and I plan to _win_. Lucky for me – and unfortunately for poor Chouji – you're the judge. The _only _judge._

_You're a smart boy, Shikamaru. Can you guess where I'm going with this? Help me win, Shikamaru, and I promise not to hurt Chouji. Tell anyone, and I can't guarantee he'll return to you in one piece – or at all. And if I lose? Then I'm going after Ino._

_Don't try me, Shikamaru. Make me win._

_Anko_

Shikamaru groaned. What was _wrong _with his life?

-x-

Sasuke was back to normal. And he, along with Naruto, was glaring at Sai.

"That skirt's too short," Sasuke said.

"And the neckline's too low," Naruto added.

"She won't win if she's wrapped in a blanket," Kakashi pointed out. Sakura glared at him, and he added, "Charm and wit will only take you so far, Sakura."

"Ugh." She rubbed her sore feet and waved to Sai. "Let me see the dress. They don't know anything."

Sai obligingly stood and handed her his sketchpad. Ignoring Naruto's protests and Sasuke's glower, Sakura studied her first outfit, which she would wear during the preliminaries.

The _Miss Konoha _pageant was organized a bit differently from other pageants. Since the purpose of the pageant was to boost morale in the village after Akatsuki's invasion, the events would be preceded and followed by celebrations, giving contestants the opportunity to interact with villagers.

Sai's first outfit would be worn the afternoon of the first day of the pageant, when the contestants met each other and were introduced to the audience.

Sakura ran a finger over the paper. It was a simple dress, in her favorite color. Sleeveless, deep red, and with a skirt past her knees. It looked okay to her, though a bit formal.

"It's fine," she said. "Make the skirt shorter, though."

"Sakura-chaaaaaaaan," Naruto began.

"What? I'll wear shorts under it," she said, hiding a smile. "Besides, you guys are going _way_ overboard. It's too long. It's not an evening gown."

Naruto looked horrified. This amused Sakura greatly.

"Sakura," Sasuke warned.

"Two inches off," Sakura said. Sasuke and Naruto looked as if she had punched them, and she had to fight to keep a straight face.

"Make it four," Kakashi said, and she turned to him. "Sakura has good legs."

"Ew," Naruto said. Sakura was inclined to agree.

"Sai, shorten it." At Sakura's look, Kakashi added, "Three inches. Okay? It'll probably still be the longest one."

"This better help me win," Sakura said, with a glance at Sasuke. He met her gaze, and she looked away quickly. "Who's the judge, anyway?"

"Shikamaru," Kakashi said.

Naruto laughed. "No way! That lazy-ass? He can't judge a contest!"

"Well, he's judging this one," Kakashi said.

"We'd better be _really _nice to him, then," Naruto said, exchanging a look with Sasuke.

Sakura narrowed her eyes. "What are you planning?" she demanded.

"Nothing," Naruto said innocently. "Sai, take another inch off the skirt."

Sasuke smacked him upside the head.

-x-

Back in the Hyuuga compound, Hinata was being subjected to the intense scrutiny of her teammates. She felt the sweat bead on her forehead as Kiba examined her, clucking his tongue.

"All right, Hinata," he said after a long silence. He stepped toward her, expression serious, eyes narrowed. Hinata swallowed. "The jacket comes off – _now_."

Hinata quivered. Why had Kurenai-sensei signed her up for this?

* * *

Thanks for the reviews, guys! And to all who haven't seen it, watch _Miss Congeniality_. Seriously. It's actually nothing like this fic – it is _so much better._

Anyway, next chapter: we see some of Tenten's preparations for the pageant, Kiba takes action, Shikamaru won't be left alone, Karin comes into play, and Sakura really, really hates her life.


	3. Chapter 3

**Blisters on Her Feet**

_(while watching past pageant winners receive their crowns)  
"Look, she's gonna cry again... 'Oh! If I only had a brain!'"  
—Gracie Hart, _Miss Congeniality

"I don't think pink is your color, Hinata," Kiba said. "And I'm sure Sakura will wear green for her evening gown, Anko will take a dark purple, Karin will probably take black…" He grinned. "God, I can't wait for the show to start."

Hinata gaped at him, and Kiba added hastily, "Of course, I'll be rooting for you!"

Hinata stifled a sigh. Instead, she asked, "Where's Shino-kun?" She hadn't seen him since the two of them, along with Akamaru, first arrived at the Hyuuga compound.

Kiba's smile turned decidedly impish, and he waved a hand. "Don't you worry your pretty little head about it, Hinata. Now," he said, reaching into his bag and holding up bolts of fabric, "Lavender, or pale blue?"

Akamaru butted his nose against Hinata's hand sympathetically. Well, at least _someone _was on her side.

Hinata worried her lip as she considered, but was spared the trouble of answering by the arrival of Shino. She jumped, startled, when he slipped silently into her room and spoke.

"A slightly darker shade of lavender would bring out her eyes."

Kiba studied the fabric, holding it up against Hinata's shirt. She flamed red at the attention. Kiba noticed and shook his head.

"Hinata, you're going to have to get over your stage fright if you want to win this thing."

I don't even want to be _in _the pageant, Hinata thought.

"Anyway," Kiba said, shifting his gaze to Shino, "You're right. I'll get a darker color. So, tell me – did you find anything?"

Shino nodded.

"Well, don't keep us in suspense," Kiba said impatiently. "What's going on?"

"Chouji's being used as leverage against Shikamaru," Shino said, pushing his glasses further up his nose. "Anko's behind it."

"Naturally," Kiba said, hardly ruffled. "That bitch is crazy." Akamaru growled in agreement, and Kiba ran his fingers absently through the fur on his side. He looked lost in thought.

Finally, he snapped out of his daze and looked hard at Hinata, then Shino.

"This pageant isn't going to be easy to win," he said. "It's going to take cunning. It's going to take courage. And, Hinata," he added gravely, turning to her. Her knees shook at the serious expression on his face as he went on, "It's going to take _bikini wax._"

Hinata fainted.

Kiba frowned at Shino. "I don't like doing this to her, but she can never know what we're about to do."

Shino nodded grimly, expression – what little of it could be seen, anyway – hard. "Let's go."

And with a bark from Akamaru, they disappeared.

Hinata was left lying on the floor.

-x-

In another part of the Hyuuga compound, Neji was picking out materials for his own teammate. Several maids had gone out and bought makeup, fabric, gowns, accessories, and other such beauty-making materials. Neji didn't understand them, no matter what Hanabi seemed to think.

"My hair is _naturally _like this," he said through gritted teeth.

She only smirked at him, running a hand over a bolt of white satin. "Naturally strawberry-scented?"

Neji barely refrained from snapping at her. His hair did _not _smell like strawberries! That was so ridiculously _feminine._

Turning his back on his cousin, Neji picked up two bottles of shampoo and examined them critically. Did Tenten need more bounce in her hair, or perhaps more shine?

Just to be safe, Neji packed both bottles in a bag. Hair was important.

Behind him, Hanabi asked, "Is that for you or your girlfriend?"

Neji seethed.

"She is _not _my girlfriend. She is my teammate. And the shampoo is for _her_."

"Whatever you say," Hanabi said, not looking very convinced. "But it's probably better that you're not going out. I don't want you heartbroken. You might dye your hair black in mourning."

Neji sneered at her. "What are you on about?"

"Uchiha Sasuke," Hanabi said, bending over a gown with gaudy orange polka dots. She nudged it away distastefully and glanced back at Neji. "He's the prize," she added with relish.

Neji dropped his shampoo bottles.

-x-

Shikamaru was in a bad mood.

This was rare. Shikamaru was generally a very laid-back person, hard to ruffle or get excited. But who could blame him for being so tense, he thought irritably, burying his hands in his pockets as he walked past the Yamanaka flower shop. Ino wasn't inside, but her mother was. She lifted a hand to wave as Shikamaru passed, then faltered when she noticed the anger radiating off him.

He was tired. His best friend was missing, kidnapped by a lady crazier than their Hokage. That same Hokage was forcing him to judge a beauty pageant, of all things, and Shikamaru really had no desire to do any such idiotic thing.

Plus – and he _knew _he wasn't just being paranoid anymore – he was _still _being followed!

With a sigh, Shikamaru rounded a corner, faced the sun, and flashed through a few seals as he walked. Then he rubbed the back of his sore neck – he hadn't slept right last night – and paused.

"Why are you following me?"

No answer. Shikamaru turned – and came face-to-back with a mop of red hair.

Shikamaru had to think for a moment. Then he relaxed, released the jutsu, and let Karin whirl to face him, cheeks flaming..

"I just—I—" She stopped, glanced around the nearly empty street, and pushed Shikamaru into the narrow alley between two buildings. He stumbled, caught off-guard, and cursed.

"What the hell are you doing, crazy woman," he grumped.

"You're judging the Miss Konoha pageant," Karin said in a low voice.

"No kidding," he began to say, then stopped.

Stared at her.

Karin was bright red, even in the darkness of the alley, but she remained facing him, in her short black dress. Her glasses were gone. Her hair was swept up, leaving her neck and shoulders bare. As Shikamaru gaped, Karin took a deep breath, stepped forward – and smiled.

"Shikamaru…" she breathed sensually as she approached. "I want…"

In response, Shikamaru flattened himself back against the wall, as far from her as he could get. "You want what?" he asked, glancing around frantically for an escape route.

There was none, and in the next second, Karin was pressed up against him. Her blush was gone, her eyes half-lidded as she stared up at him. Shikamaru swallowed.

"I want," she repeated, lips fluttering against his jaw. Unconsciously, Shikamaru felt himself leaning into her touch. "I want… to win."

Shikamaru stiffened, then pulled back. "Win what?" he asked with growing dread.

She blinked up at him, looking dazed. "The Miss Konoha pageant, of course," she said, as if he were the worst kind of idiot. Then she leaned in again, hooking one finger in his collar.

Shikamaru shuddered and nudged her away.

"To win Sasuke, right?" he said flatly. He didn't wait for her to respond and instead gestured between them. "You don't think this is kind of a dirty way to go about it?"

She burned red. "Well, of course I do," she snapped. "But what choice do I have?"

Shikamaru ran a hand over his face. Karin went on, pacing about the small alleyway.

"I mean, I used to be an enemy! It doesn't matter that I'm a citizen of Konoha now, everyone still hates me! Juugo and Suigetsu, you all love, but me? Nooooo. What the hell. Why do you people hate me? You guys suck. I hate you too!"

Shikamaru rolled his eyes. Karin continued to vent.

"But I _have to _enter this pageant, and I have to _win_," she exclaimed, eyes bright with determination. She turned back to Shikamaru, hands on her hips. "I can't let Sasuke go to one of _them_. Especially that teammate of his…"

Shikamaru wondered, idly, what Sakura would say if she could hear Karin now. Or what she might do if she found out what she had tried to do to win. Then he decided he really didn't want to know.

"Right," Shikamaru said, pushing off the wall. "Well… good luck in the pageant."

Karin stared at him, completely baffled, as he walked away from her. She tried to make a grab for him at the last moment, but he slipped out of her reach.

"I'm not biased," he assured her. "Just don't… touch me anymore."

Then he walked away.

He couldn't believe he had almost succumbed to Karin's seductions. He felt so violated.

He couldn't wait until this stupid pageant was over.

-x-

"Ow! Ow, Ino! What the hell! I'm saying 'ow'!" Sakura yelped, batting Ino's hands away from her hair.

"I heard you," Ino said, stepping back and tossing the brush onto Naruto's bed. She wrinkled her nose. "God, this _sucks_. When do you move back to your own apartment?"

"Possibly never, if it bugs you so much," Sakura said, rubbing her scalp miserably. "God, can't you be more _gentle?"_

"Where does being gentle get you?" Ino asked. "The pageant's in _six days, _Sakura, and we don't even have you beautified yet!" When Sakura scowled at her, looking hurt, Ino added hastily, "Not that you aren't beautiful. You are. We just need to… shine you up a bit."

"…"

"Do it for Sasuke!"

Sakura sighed. "Okay. Fine. But can I eat first? I'm starved." She didn't wait for an answer – she knew Ino wouldn't give her the one she wanted to hear – before she was out of her seat and through the door.

Ino rolled her eyes, huffed dramatically, and flounced after her.

Sasuke, Naruto, Sai, Kakashi, and Yamato – for some bizarre reason – were all gathered in the kitchen, eating ramen. Naruto was passing Sakura a big bowl of it when Ino entered the kitchen.

She sneered at them. "Don't you have to train or something?"

"When one member of the team has to suffer, we all do," Kakashi said.

"We love each other," Sakura added. Sasuke looked disgusted.

"Lazy," Ino muttered under her breath. "Five minutes," she added, more loudly, to Sakura. She ignored her.

Ino turned and walked out of the room, and to the windows along the opposite wall. The sunlight was streaming in, and the sky was clear and blue. It was a nice day. Maybe Ino would take Sakura outside to get a light tan. She was pasty from so many hours spent in the hospital.

Outside the window, people were going about their regular business. Working, walking, spending time with friends. There were the Academy students eating lunch. There was a Jounin heading to the Hokage's office. There were Lee and Tenten running laps—

Ino blinked, then opened the window. Tenten was a contestant too, if she remembered correctly.

"Hey! Tenten!" she hollered.

Both Tenten and Lee turned at the sound of her voice. They waved, and Ino beckoned them over. She could hear Kakashi coming up behind her. Ino ignored him in favor of the visitors at the window now. She leaned further out to smile widely at them.

"Hey," she said, "What are you guys doing?"

"Visiting hell," Tenten said cheerfully.

"Running laps!" Lee corrected with a stern look at his teammate. "In preparation for the Miss Konoha beauty pageant, which Tenten will be partaking in! She's put on a tad bit of weight, nothing to be ashamed of, of course," he added quickly when Tenten glared at him. "In the prime of your youth, measly pounds are of no consequence, Tenten!"

"He's right, Tenten," Ino said. "And honestly, you could _use _the weight. You're a stick. I hate you."

Tenten wasn't fooled. "Thanks," she said flatly. "But it wasn't my idea; Gai-sensei made me do it. And speaking of Gai-sensei…" Tenten's gaze shifted, and Ino turned to see Kakashi nod, looking resigned. Clearly, he had been expecting this.

"Another challenge?" he said lightly. "This is one I'll accept. Tell him that."

Tenten nodded. Beside her, Lee looked nervous, fidgeting with his fingers before saying, "Is, ah, is Sakura-san competing?"

"She is," Ino said, fighting back a smile.

Lee glanced timidly at Tenten. She waved him off.

"Go ahead, I won't be offended."

Lee took a breath, then – with great effort, it seemed – shook his head once. "Tell Sakura-san I'm sorry," he said earnestly, "But I must put my teammate before her in this instance. I wish her all the best of luck, however."

"We will," Kakashi said as Ino stepped back from the window, already heading to the kitchen. She found Sakura there, already reaching for a second bowl.

"Sakura!" she snapped, and she dropped the bowl, startled.

"Ramen!" Naruto wailed.

"What the _hell_, Ino," Sakura grumbled, staring up at her. She caught sight of Ino's stern expression and wavered. "Ino?"

"Forehead," Ino said, "How do you expect to win the swimsuit competition if you can't even fit into your swimsuit? Up!"

Sakura was so startled that she stood without a thought. "What? What am I doing? What's going on?"

"Good idea, Ino," Kakashi said from the doorway, having just returned. Ino beamed at him.

"Sakura," she said, "We're going running! Or, well, you are. Time to drop a size or three!"

"_What," _Sakura said.

"And no more ramen!"

"_What," _Naruto said.

"You can have Sasuke's tomatoes!"

"_What," _Sasuke said.

Yamato stepped in before Team Seven could attack Ino.

"It's okay, Sakura. You can get your training in this way! I'll run with you, okay?"

"Yeah, you all should," Ino said. "You guys aren't going to make ANBU by lying around eating ramen all day."

"…"

Yamato sighed. Unleashed, Ino could start a small war. Where were her teammates when you needed them?

-x-

_Shikamaru,_

_We know Anko has Chouji. We also know we can get him back. Your best friend, home safely, and within only 24 hours. All we ask is one small favor._

_Our teammate is in the Miss Konoha pageant. Hinata. You know her, and you also know how shy she is, especially in front of large crowds. We got Kurenai-sensei to sign her up for this because, let's face it, Hinata needs a boost to her self-esteem._

_We're not even telling you to make her win. Unlike Anko, Hinata is more than capable of winning on her own. All we ask is that you go a bit easy on her. And that you don't give in to Anko._

_We got your back, man._

_KIBA & Shino  
(not & like… we're together, or anything. Okay? Okay.)_

_P.S. Sorry Kiba's stupid. – Shino

* * *

_

You know, even I'm not sure when Sakura and Shikamaru will actually get to interact.

**Next chapter: **Operation: Rescue Chouji, Neji puts his ninja skills to use, and Sasuke eats ice cream.

…It'll make sense.


	4. Chapter 4

**Blisters on Her Feet**

_"This may come as a shock to you, but I've never been in a beauty pageant before. I don't even own a dress – I don't even own a _brush_."  
—Gracie Hart, _Miss Congeniality

Sasuke didn't like sweets. He did not like soft, pansy foods. He did not like the cold. He did not like chocolate. He did not like anything that could melt, unless it was because he willed it to. He did not like the weak.

So, Sasuke most _definitely _did not like ice cream. Especially _chocolate _ice cream, which was melting even as he watched – glared, really – at it, dropping icky, sticky sugar all over his fingers.

"It doesn't have eyes, stupid," Naruto said, around a mouthful of cookie dough and cone. He sprayed crumbs all over Sasuke. He flicked one away with a shudder. "It can't have a staring contest with you."

"You're _such _a loser," Sasuke said, turning his nose up at his ice cream. As he did so, he noticed Sakura eyeing it hungrily.

Sasuke paused.

There was a mile-long list of things he didn't like. But there was also a (significantly shorter) list of things he _did_. These included, but were not limited to: having things someone else didn't; rubbing it in; and torturing the people he held near and dear to his heart (and also the people he didn't).

So, biting back a sneer, he turned back to his dessert.

And took a tentative lick.

Sakura's eyes were wide with shock.

"Yum," he said flatly.

"_I hate you," _Sakura said, and took a savage bite of her carrot stick.

"I need more," Naruto decided, getting up from his seat. "Anyone want anything? Ino? Sasuke? Kakashi-sensei? Sai? Anyone in this restaurant that isn't Sakura-chan?"

Across from Sasuke, Sakura fumed. As Naruto, chuckling merrily, left to order more ice cream from the front counter of the small ice cream parlor they were in, she said, "What happened to us loving each other? Suffering together? Being _one_?"

"Ew," Sasuke said.

"Exactly," Kakashi said.

"Ino, can I switch teams with you?"

Ino considered, setting down her spoon. Even _she _was indulging in a banana split, right before poor, exhausted, starving Sakura's big, sad eyes.

"Trade Chouji for Naruto? Gross. I'll take Sasuke, though. You can have Shikamaru."

"No way!"

Ino's gaze flickered with amusement at the way Sakura, suddenly remembering Sasuke, turned beet red. She coughed, then turned back to nibbling at her carrot sticks.

"So… so, Shikamaru's the judge, huh?" Sakura said quickly, to change the subject. "How's that going for him?"

"He hates it," Ino said cheerfully. "It's great."

"You're not very supportive," Sai said. He was looking at Ino with something akin to admiration, and Sakura made a mental note to keep those two far, far away from each other.

"It's good that we have you on our team," Naruto said, suddenly reappearing at their table. He carried an enormous sundae, which he set on the table in front of him, only inches from Sakura's plate of celery and carrots. She groaned. Naruto ignored her. "I mean, you're his teammate. He's sure to give us special treatment."

"I don't know about that," Ino said, twirling the ends of her ponytail around her finger. "Shikamaru's pretty fair." She turned to Sakura with a gleam in her eyes. "I guess it's up to you, Forehead, to win him over."

Sasuke furrowed his eyebrows, glaring at Ino suspiciously.

"Great," Naruto moaned, around a mouthful of strawberry ice cream. "Sakura-chan's going to have to dress up as a _cloud_."

-x-

"Chouji, Chouji, Chouji. Don't look so sad! I'm taking care of you, aren't I? And I'll _continue _to take care of you, as long as Shikamaru doesn't do something stupid. And he won't! He's a genius, right?"

Chouji nodded shakily, trying to calm his racing pulse. Anko, crouched before Chouji, pursed her lips at the fear radiating off of him.

"Tell me, Chouji, why was Shikamaru, of all people, made a judge?"

"I – I don't know, Anko-san."

"Anko-_sama_."

"Anko-sama. Sorry."

"You're such a polite boy, Chouji. And so obedient." She smiled at him, and Chouji shrunk back in the chair he was bound to. "I might have to keep you, Chouji. Don't look so scared. We'd have such fun. We'd eat all your favorite meals!"

Chouji perked up at this. The anxious fluttering in his stomach died down somewhat.

"There we go. Give Anko-hime a smile."

"Anko-_hime_?"

"Exactly." Anko got to her feet and stretched her arms high above her head. "Speaking of food, let's get dinner. You like Korean barbecue, right?"

Chouji grinned shyly, feeling his bindings begin to slip away. He didn't want to think of what had been holding him in place.

"Right, Anko-hime-sama."

-x-

"_No_," Tenten hissed, when she entered the bathroom and found Neji standing by the tub. "Absolutely _not_. No way in hell. Negatory. I refuse. I do not accept. The opposite of yes."

"Would you rather _Lee _do it?" Neji asked, one eyebrow raised. When Tenten faltered, he gestured to the tub. "Stop complaining, then."

Eyeing him warily, Tenten slipped into the tub at Neji's feet, clutching the towel tightly around her torso. Neji, for his part, tried to remain straight-faced and _not _thinking about Tenten sitting quite helplessly in his tub without any clothes on, by thinking, instead, of Lee in his underwear.

"Neji? Why are you twitching?"

Neji took a deep breath and got to his knees behind Tenten. Her hair was already loose, flowing in messy waves down her back. Her back, Neji remembered with a rush, which was _bare _but for a thin scrap of _towel_. Why, he could, at any point, rip that towel away and see Tenten, in all her lovely… _femaleness._

Neji squirmed. He had a feeling he would need a shower himself, after this. A very, very cold one.

Neji ran his fingers experimentally through Tenten's hair. Or tried to, at least.

"When's the last time you brushed your hair?"

"Um… last Tuesday, I think."

Neji was horrified. With a sigh, he reached for the brush on the floor beside him and began to run it, gently, through Tenten's hair.

In response, she sighed, leaning back against the tub. Neji could see how the muscles in her (bare, creamy white, soft, smooth) shoulders relaxed, and couldn't resist a smirk. Oh, yeah. He knew his stuff.

"I must say, this is an improvement over Lee's preparations," she said. "You should brush my hair more often. Preferably when I'm not sitting in your tub. This is kind of uncomfortable."

"After I wash your hair, you can get out." And she would be able to put some clothes on. Although Tenten had been willing to get her clothes soaked, Gai had insisted she dress herself in a towel instead. After all, it wasn't like _Neji _would violate her in any way.

Yeah, well, they would just have to see if Neji could control himself once Tenten was dripping wet all over his bathroom floor.

"You know, I can wash my hair myself," Tenten said, for the fourth time that evening.

"Not as well as I can," Neji said, and immediately regretted it when she laughed. In response, he yanked the brush, hard, through a tight tangle of hair.

"Ow!"

"Sorry. Muscle spasm."

Once the tangles were out, Neji turned to pouring bowls of water over Tenten's head. Though the shower was more efficient, this way would keep him dry and able to work on her hair properly.

She moaned happily as he massaged shampoo into her hair, and Neji swallowed.

"So, Tenten." His voice cracked; he prayed she hadn't noticed. "Why did you agree to this pageant?"

"Because Gai-sensei made me."

"Is that all?"

"Mmhmm."

So far, so good. "And… do you want to win?"

"Of course I do. Haven't you seen the prize?"

Neji's hopes cam crashing down. He tensed. "Yes," he bit out. "Uchiha Sasuke."

"Exactly. I would _love _to have him as my date for a week! No other girl has ever managed that. I would completely show them all up!"

So Tenten didn't care about Sasuke. She just cared about beating the entirety of Konoha's female population.

Neji could deal with that.

"Out of curiosity, Neji, have you ever thought about going into hairdressing?"

Very calmly, Neji dunked a bowl of cold water over Tenten's head.

-x-

"Alright, man and dog. There it is. The witch's lair."

"Witch? I thought 'snake-charmer' fit better."

"Yeah, but 'witch' rhymes with 'bitch.'"

"…"

"Is it just me, or does 'bitch' seem like a pet-name or something, coming from me?"

Shino closed his eyes and rubbed his temples and hoped that, when he opened his eyes, Kiba might have grown a brain. He was starting to feel an odd sort of kinship with Uchiha Sasuke.

"Let's just go," he said, and Kiba nodded dutifully.

"Let's do this. Shino, send out—" He narrowed his eyes and gestured – overdramatically and unnecessarily, Shino thought – to the surprisingly ordinary-looking apartment across the street from them—"_the bugs."_

With a roll of his eyes, Shino complied. Kiba clapped him on the back.

"You are truly the lord of the flies, man."

-x-

Just as Chouji was starting on his second serving, Anko stiffened.

"Anko-sama…?"

She didn't reply, instead narrowing her eyes in concentration. Then she stood from her seat and rounded the table, crossing the room in quick, deadly silent steps.

Chouji's heart thudded in his chest as he followed, only slightly less stealthily. As he came up behind Anko, he noticed the figure at the end of the hall.

She didn't seem to have noticed. As Chouji watched, the figure aimed at Anko, and—

"Anko-sama!"

"Chouji, duck!"

She tackled him to the ground, then rolled away and bounced back up onto the balls of her feet. Chouji had no time to react before he was being hauled to his feet.

"Move, Chouji!"

"Kiba? What—"

"No time! Come on, let's go!"

"But Anko-sama—"

"Shino's taking care of it!" he hissed. "Come _on_!" When Chouji turned, instead, to where Anko was fighting with the shadowed figure – Shino, he assumed – Kiba sighed in exasperation and called for Akamaru.

In the next instant, Chouji was being carted away against his will by Kiba and Akamaru, Anko's furious screams ringing out behind him.

"_Chouji!"_

He turned and saw her expression, for only a second, desperate and anguished.

And then they were gone.

-x-

When Sakura woke up the next morning, she was unsurprised – though plenty peeved – to see Ino sitting on the edge of her bed, clipboard in hand.

"Did you know you snore?" Ino said cheerfully once she saw Sakura was awake. "Come on, come on, up, up, up! The pageant's in five days, and we have _so much _to do!"

In response, Sakura's stomach rumbled.

"Breakfast first," she said flatly. "Then I have to go to work."

"_No work. _You may, however, train. That can actually help. And I have a _great _breakfast for you."

Sakura perked up and began climbing out of bed. "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah! So go get ready and meet me in the kitchen. Okay?"

"Give me ten minutes," Sakura said. Then she left the room, nearly skipping in excitement at the prospect of _real food._

Ino rolled her eyes as she left. Sakura was _such _a drama queen.

-x-

"_This _is my 'great breakfast'?" Sakura demanded, gesturing to the plate of vegetables and the single glass of water laid out for her. "This is what I had last night!"

"Of course it isn't," Naruto said. "There's broccoli today. See, Sakura-chan? _Yummy_!" He beamed at her, then returned to his breakfast of ramen. It said something about Sakura's hunger that she would have given anything to trade with him.

Ino was glaring at her, as if she could read her mind, so, with a sigh, Sakura dropped into her seat and began to pick glumly at her breakfast.

"Where are the others?"

"Sai is getting your wardrobe ready," Ino said, checking her clipboard. "Kakashi-sensei is setting up your training regime. Sasuke's probably getting another ice cream." At Sakura's expression, Ino added, "He's so ungrateful of your sacrifice."

"What a jerk," Naruto offered helpfully.

"Anyway, after you eat, we're going to train for a few hours. You've gotten soft, working in the hospital."

"I have not!"

"Soft is good, Sakura-chan," Naruto said.

"Stop looking at me like that, you pervert."

"Soft is _not good_," Ino snapped, slamming down her clipboard. She poked Sakura in the cheek rather harshly. "Soft is for the weak, and the weak _don't win_."

Sakura just looked at her.

Ino pulled back and picked up her clipboard once more, clearing her throat. "Anyway, after training, we'll break for lunch, then come back here, get you cleaned up, and organize our game plan, try on your outfits. And then dinner, which is when the _real _fun starts."

Sakura didn't like how Ino had said that.

She was starting to think she was in _way _over her head.

* * *

Sorry for the late update! I've been busy. With origfic. What an excuse, eh? Anyway, next chapter will be sooner! Seriously.

Sometimes I get a review that totally makes my life, but there's nothing I can really do to thank the reviewer except, well, dedicating a chapter to them. Which doesn't do much, but still, here's to you, **QueenThayet12990**.

So, next chapter: Shikamaru learns something very disturbing, Hinata has a run-in with her favorite blond (and Kiba gets an idea), and Sakura and Shikamaru _finally _actually get a moment.


	5. Chapter 5

**Blisters on Her Feet**

_"You took your earpiece out. They need you!"  
"Now? I haven't slept in two days!"  
"I'll give you a cookie."  
"…It'd better be a big one."  
—__Eric Matthews, Gracie Hart, _Miss Congeniality

This… this was the life. Soft breeze ruffling his hair, bright blue sky overhead, sun beaming down, lying in the shade with two of his best friends, with a belly full of ramen… and best of all, Sakura screaming obscenities a few yards away, at someone that _wasn't _him.

"Ino, you brainless, bottle-blonde _boar_, I hate you, I hate you, _I HATE YOU!"_

"Nice alliteration," Sai observed.

"Less screaming, more sweating! Faster, Sakura, _faster_!"

Naruto yawned. Oh, yeah. It didn't get much better than this.

"Maybe one of you should step in before Sakura kills her stylist," Kakashi said from behind them, where he was slouched back comfortably against the tree providing them such _glorious _shade. He didn't even have his book out, was just enjoying the beautiful day with the rest of them.

"_INO, STAY STILL SO I CAN BASH YOUR BUBBLEBRAIN OUT!"_

Well. Most of the rest of them.

"Naruto," Sasuke said, without opening his eyes. "Manage."

"Speak in full sentences—" Naruto yawned—"Asshole. And no. _you _do it. she won't beat _you _up."

"He's got a point," Kakashi said. "Go contain her."

Sasuke opened one eye to stare Kakashi down. He had to admit, even a one-eyed, upside-down glare was pretty intimidating, coming from Sasuke. even when he looked half-asleep. "No."

"What kind of teammate are you?" Naruto said. "First you ditch us for a pedophile who wants your hot body—" Sasuke sputtered; Naruto ignored him—"Then you try to kill us. And now you're trying to keep me from my nap so Sakura-chan can _eat me_."

"…_Eat _you?"

"Would you just _go_?" Naruto demanded, eyes finally snapping open.

Sai rolled over and pretended to be asleep.

Sasuke glared at all of them as he sat up and got to his feet. "Just so we're clear," he began icily, "I'm not doing this because you told me to, or out of any sense of guilt, or—"

"No one's listening to you," Naruto said, and made a shooing gesture with his right hand. "Begone, slave boy."

Sasuke snarled at him and made sure to step on his head as he stomped off, towards the middle of the field. Not like he was going to damage anything, after all.

Naruto's shrieks faded away as Sasuke approached the girls and Sakura's shrieks took their place. Sasuke frowned. Sometimes, he didn't know why he had come back to Konoha. A tiny part of him almost missed travelling with his old-new-teammates.

Sasuke reached out and grabbed Sakura by the collar, just as she was about to leap at her so-called best friend. She whipped her head around, teeth bared. Then she saw him, blinked, and turned from horrific to horrified.

"Oh, Sasuke-kun…" Her cheeks reddened. "Hi."

"Hi."

Ino was doubled over with laughter. Sakura threw her a dirty look, then turned back to Sasuke. "Um… you can let me go, you know."

"No, don't let her go!" Ino said, still giggling. "She's crazy!"

Sasuke cocked an eyebrow at Sakura. She scowled back at him.

"Sasuke," she began, "Seriously. Let – me – go. You're choking me!"

Sasuke let her go, and she dropped a step back, rubbing her neck. Then she flopped down to the ground. "I'm _tired_," she moaned.

Ino pushed the hair back from her forehead. "Okay, stay here. Five-minute break. I'll get you a drink." She tossed Sasuke a wink he didn't understand, and walked off.

Sasuke crouched beside Sakura, who was now lying down, eyes closed, in the grass.

"What happened to 'I owe it to my team'? I thought you were going to _crush _your competition."

"I will," she said, without opening her eyes, "After I wake up."

Sasuke smirked and sat down beside her. "The pageant's in five days. How do you feel?"

"Exhausted," she said. "See the things I do for you? You better appreciate it."

The smirk fell away. "I do," Sasuke said carefully. "Thanks, Sakura."

Sasuke pretended to not see her blush.

-x-

"Don't listen to Suigetsu," Jugo said, jogging to keep up with his teammate: "_I _think you're pretty."

Karin appreciated the compliment, but it didn't help with her humiliation. She hadn't even been able to tell Jugo what was _really _bothering her. _As if _Suigetsu could knock down her self-esteem like this. Suigetsu turned into a _puddle_. He was weird. And stupid. Karin didn't care what stupid people thought of her.

Only problem was that Shikamaru _wasn't _stupid. And that _not-stupid _judge now thought Karin was a whore.

She hated her life.

"Karin, watch ou—"

"_Oof!"_

Karin blinked and looked up. She had been so busy wallowing in her misery, she hadn't been paying attention to where she was going and had bumped into someone. And not even someone cliché like Sasuke, but some girl with a weird haircut. Fantasti—

Wait.

Karin narrowed her eyes. The girl's hair was weird. Dark purple, different lengths on either side – short on one, longer on the other…

Karin shot to her feet at the same the other girl did.

"You…" the other girl started in a low hiss.

""You…" Karin echoed, voice rising.

"You stole my hairdo!"

-x-

"So, what were you guys talking about?"

"Nothing," Sakura said, taking a long gulp of water.

Ino examined the ends of her ponytail for split ends. "You're a terrible liar," she said. "I leave you alone for _five minutes _with the guy, and when I come back, you're blushing like you're twelve again." She tossed her hair over her shoulder and clucked her tongue. "What _am _I going to do with you, Sakura?"

Sakura tossed her empty water bottle onto the ground beside her and said, sulkily, "Nothing happened. We just talked a little. Leave me alone, Ino."

Ino sighed, looking across the field to where the rest of Sakura's team stood, stretching after their naps and waiting to leave. The sun hung low in the sky; they had been out here for a while, and everyone was hungry.

"Okay," she said finally. "Training's done for the day. Lunch now, then a mini-fashion show! Sound fun?"

"Not really."

"Exactly! It'll be great!" Ino stood, brushing the dirt off her skirt with one hand and holding the other out to Sakura. "Let's go, Forehead. Time's a-wastin'!"

Sakura groaned.

-x-

"Chouji? Chouji!"

Shikamaru tugged tiredly on his ponytail. He had been standing by Chouji's bed, calling his name for the last fifteen minutes, to no response. What had _happened _to him?"

Early in the morning, he had been lying in bed, wide-awake and anxious to hear what was happening with his best friend, when a rock came flying through his window and hit him in the gut.

After some time spent curled up in pain, Shikamaru picked up the rock to find a note attached. Of course.

_Shikamaru—_

_Shino and I took Chouji home. He looks a little off, think he's tired. Wait a bit to go see him. And don't forget our deal!_

_- Kiba_

What kind of idiot ninja _was _Kiba? This was hardly a top-secret mission. He could have _knocked on the door_. Fool.

Shikamaru sighed and leaned down to shake Chouji, hoping to snap him out of this trance. What was _wrong _with him? What had Anko _done?_

"Shikamaru?" Chouza appeared in the doorway, looking concerned. "Any luck?"

Shikamaru shook his head. "Not yet. It's like he can't hear me."

Chouza rubbed the back of his neck. "It was a training accident, you said?"

Shikamaru coughed. "Um… yeah…" He didn't need to know the truth.

"Well, maybe you can get someone to look at him. Think you can ask Sakura?"

"Sure, I'll go look for her now." Chouza nodded and left, and Shikamaru made to follow.

"—hime-sama…"

Shikamaru whirled around. Chouji was still staring straight ahead, expression blank.

"Chouji?" Shikamaru asked carefully, moving closer to the bed.

"—ko-hime-sama…" Chouji shuddered, then his eyes bulged, gaze swiveling to meet Shikamaru's. Shikamaru stepped back, alarmed. "Anko-hime-sama!"

"Chouji, what—"

"ANKO-HIMA-SAMA! GIVE ME BACK ANKO-HIME-SAMA!" Chouji wailed, lurching up and throwing off his comforter. "ANKO-HIME-SAMA!"

Rapid footsteps sounded just outside the room, and then Chouza was beside Shikamaru, staring at his son.

"What happened to him?"

"I don't know! He just started shouting!"

"Get Sakura! Get her _now_!" Chouza yelled, hurrying to Chouji's side. Shikamaru didn't move. He was staring at Chouji in horror. "Shikamaru!"

Shikamaru snapped out of his daze and nodded. He ran out and raced towards Naruto's apartment, mind running a mile a minute.

No… it couldn't be… could it?

-x-

"You have such nice legs, Sakura-chan," Naruto said, as Sakura twirled around in her new dress. Sasuke hit him upside the head. "Ow!"

"Thank you, Sasuke," Sakura said.

"No problem."

"What did _I _do?" Naruto asked, rubbing his head pitifully.

"You were being Naruto-ish," Ino said, making a note on her clipboard. "Sakura, you have fat calves."

"I do not. Shut up."

"Next dress," Kakashi said, and Sai handed Sakura a black halter dress. She walked back into Naruto's room to change.

Naruto leaned back in the sofa. "This is _boring_."

"You know, you're not actually on Sakura's style team," Kakashi reminded him. "You don't have to be here. You can go train."

"…I'm moral support."

"You're not going to see her in a swimsuit today," Ino said, smirking when Naruto's face fell.

"That's not why I'm here!" he sputtered.

"Yeah, and Sasuke's not hot," Ino snorted. Sasuke looked very pleased by this, and she rolled her eyes. "You guys are so annoying. Sakura! Hurry up!"

"I am _not _wearing this!" Sakura called through the closed door.

"Why not?"

"Um, because I look like a _hooker?"_

Ino was clearly trying not to laugh. "Oh, come on. Let's see!"

The door slammed open and Sakura came striding out. The skirt of the dress swished around her thighs.

"It's not _that _short," Ino said. "I don't know why you insist on being difficult."

"It's not that," Sakura said. "It's…" She shot an embarrassed look at her teammates.

"What? Too tight? Is it your cleavage? You're embarrassed to show your teammates your hot body?"

Sasuke and Naruto got up and began circling her.

"You look beautiful, Sakura-chan! You should wear this dress all the time."

Sasuke tossed Naruto a disgusted look. "Where's the back?" he demanded of Sai. "You forgot the back."

"Well, she said she wanted us to look at her back," Sai said. He was smiling, but he looked puzzled. "I assumed this was what she wanted."

"You guys are _stupid_," Sakura said.

"Now, Sakura," Kakashi said, getting to his feet, "Ino and Naruto are right. You look very nice."

"Kakashi-sensei!"

"Ew," Ino said. "You old pervert, quit looking at her."

Kakashi shot Ino a very dry stare. "Ino, I can and _will _get you assigned to three months of D-class missions. Don't test me."

"All of you, quit _looking _at me," Sakura snapped, pushing Sai away from her. "Fine, I'll keep the dress, but now I'm changing!" She turned and stomped back into Naruto's room, slamming the door behind her.

"She pretends she doesn't care, but she likes it when you call her pretty," Ino said. "Isn't she precious?"

The door slammed open again – this time the one to Naruto's apartment, and Shikamaru hurried in.

"Is Sakura here?" he demanded. He was breathing hard.

"Yeah, she's in there, but—"

Shikamaru flung open Naruto's bedroom door before Ino could finish, and she cringed. Naruto, Sasuke, and Sai plugged their ears. Kakashi rolled his lone visible eye and left in a puff of smoke.

Sakura's ensuing shriek was enough to shake the apartment.

-x-

"What was _that?" _Tenten asked. Neji kicked her in the side. "Ow!"

"Don't let your guard down," he said. "Winners don't get distracted. Losers get distracted." After Tenten had made clear her disinterest in Sasuke as a potential… _mate_, Neji had relaxed considerably about this competition nonsense. Now he was determined that she win. Tenten was his teammate. No Hyuuga would have a _loser _for a teammate.

"You know, I was thinking…" Tenten rubbed her side with a grimace. "You didn't need to hit me so hard… Anyway. Shouldn't you be rooting for one of your cousins, instead? Family comes first, you know."

"Hinata-sama has her own teammates," Neji said calmly. "And Hanabi is a demon. She doesn't need my help."

Tenten laughed. "I wish Lee was as sure as you. He's still torn between me and Sakura."

Neji rolled his eyes. Well, Lee was an idiot. Neji never _had _understood what Lee saw in Sakura…

He thought of Hinata, and he thought of Naruto, and his eyes gleamed. Sakura wouldn't win. Not if he could help it…

"_Ow, _Neji, not so _hard_, dammit!"

-x-

"I _said _I was sorry!" Shikamaru shouted, completely exasperated, "Would you _please _get off me?"

Naruto folded his arms across his chest and stubbornly didn't move from his seat on Shikamaru's legs. Sasuke helpfully shoved his face down into the hardwood.

Sakura glared at the three of them, pressing a shirt to her chest. "I can't change with you guys _still in here_," she ground out.

Naruto waved a hand. "Like we haven't seen it all before, Sakura-chan."

"…What."

Sasuke ran a hand warily down his face. _Moron_. He half-turned on Shikamaru's back to slap his free hand over Naruto's eyes.

"Hey!"

"Put your shirt on," he said to Sakura, turning his head away from her.

She was silent for a moment, then a rustle of cloth signified she was doing as asked. A moment later, she muttered, "I'm done."

Sasuke let go of Naruto and Shikamaru and got to his feet. Then he went and opened Naruto's door, which they had automatically shut and locked behind them to deal with Shikamaru. Naruto hadn't wanted Sai or Kakashi checking out his precious Sakura-chan when she was vulnerable, and Sasuke was just tired of people.

Ino banged through the door as soon as Sasuke opened it, nearly hitting him in the nose as she did.

"Shikamaru, I didn't know you were that kind of guy," she teased. "Naruto, get off him."

Shikamaru glared as Naruto finally rolled off him. "Finally. Naruto, you should lay off the ramen." He rubbed his side and sat up.

"What do you need Sakura for, Shikamaru?" Kakashi asked.

Shikamaru's eyes bugged and he scrambled to his feet. "Right, Sakura – something's wrong with Chouji."

"Chouji?" Ino asked. "What's wrong with Chouji?"

Shikamaru rubbed the back of his neck. "Hopefully not what I think it is…" he muttered under his breath.

"Huh?"

"Nothing." He took a step toward Sakura, holding out a hand imploringly. "I'm sorry I walked in on you changing, but Chouji's waiting. Please, come with me."

Sakura nodded, all seriousness. "Let's go." She walked to the door, slapping Shikamaru's hand away as she passed.

The two of them left, Ino following. The Team Seven men were left alone in Naruto's room.

Sasuke sniffed the air. "It smells in here. Like you cooked ramen in sweat."

Naruto glared at him. "Why did you cover my eyes? You suck."

"Naruto," Kakashi said pleasantly, "The sexual harassment was cute when you were twelve. _Enough_." He paused, taking a deep breath. "And Sasuke's right. Clean your room."

Sai, ignored by everyone (as usual), bent to retrieve the black dress Sakura seemed to have whipped, with monstrous strength, at Shikamaru. There was a tear in it now. He mourned.

Why did _he _get stuck with the most psychotic team in the history of Konoha?

-x-

"Chouji?" Sakura said, kneeling down beside his bed and taking his face in her hands. "Chouji, can you hear me?"

Chouji stared at her without seeming to see her, and Sakura rocked back on her heels, looking to Chouza and Shikamaru for an explanation.

"He got into a training accident," Chouza said, "And he's been like this since. He keeps yelling for – it sounds like Anko… and Korean barbecue."

Sakura raised an eyebrow and decided not to ask. "What kind of training accident?"

"Tell her, Shikamaru."

Shikamaru rubbed the back of his neck and shot Ino a look. She furrowed her eyebrows, not understanding, and he tilted his head, minutely, to Chouza, then flicked his gaze toward the door.

"Um, maybe we should leave Sakura alone with the patient. Shikamaru can handle it," she said to Chouza, smiling sunnily and gesturing toward the door. "Don't worry about a thing! Sakura will fix Chouji right up. you know, my dad's been asking about you…" Ino's voice trailed off as they left the room.

Sakura looked expectantly at Shikamaru. "Training accident?"

Shikamaru sighed and crouched down beside her. "It's a long story."

"I've got time."

"You won't believe me."

"I'm friends with Naruto."

Shikamaru inclined his head towards her. that much was true. "Okay. Well, basically, Tsunade-sama forced me to be the judge of this stupid pageant, Anko entered and tried to blackmail me into helping her win by kidnapping Chouji, so Kiba and Shino somehow found out, and then they went and rescued Chouji from Anko, and then they threw a rock into my room this morning and I came to see Chouji and he's been like this since," Shikamaru took a deep breath, "And now I get the idea that Chouji has Stockholm Syndrome."

Sakura didn't say anything for a long moment, during which she stared thoughtfully at Chouji. Then she cupped her chin in her hand, elbow on her knees, and faced Shikamaru with a wry smile, "I don't think I've ever heard you talk so much."

Shikamaru shot her a very dry look, and she laughed.

"But… really, Shikamaru? You think he's, what, _in love _with Anko?"

"ANKO-HIME-SAMA!" Chouji suddenly exclaimed, and Sakura, startled, lost her balance and tumbled back onto the floor.

Shikamaru looked from Chouji to Sakura. "You judge for yourself."

Sakura scrambled up onto her knees, eyes wide. "Ohhhhh, dear…" She looked at Shikamaru.

"Yeah." Shikamaru leaned across Sakura to grab the bowl on Chouji's bedside table, leaning against one hand for balance.

"Um, Shikamaru…"

Shikamaru glanced at Sakura. her eyes were cast downward. He followed her gaze.

His hand was on her leg, dangerously close to the hem of her skirt.

Shikamaru snatched his hand away. "Sorry." He sat back. forget the fool. "Uh, he hasn't eaten anything all day."

Sakura nodded, reaching up to check Chouji's pulse and peer into his empty eyes.

"So… what do you want me to do about it?"

"_Fix _him!"

"…What?"

"Come _on_, Sakura," Shikamaru said, "Chouji wouldn't get like this over _Anko_. She must have done something to him."

Sakura blinked. "So… you think Anko did something?"

Shikamaru nodded.

"You don't think Chouji has _real _feelings for her?"

Shikamaru shook his head.

"And you want me to 'fix' him?"

"_Yes_, you troublesome woman."

Sakura sighed and stood up. "Shikamaru, you're an idiot." She leaned down toward Chouji and snapped her fingers in his face. no response. She straightened and looked at Shikamaru. "Let him see Anko—"

"ANKO-HIME-SAMA!"

"—And see what he does. You'll have your answer."

Shikamaru rubbed his head. "This is ridiculous."

"Hey, the boy's in love," she said. "It happens to the best of us. What's _really _ridiculous is that _you're _judging a beauty pageant."

"And that you're _in _the beauty pageant," Shikamaru said. "I'm not giving you special treatment for this, you know."

"Who do you think I am? I never cheat."

"Wish more people were like you, then," Shikamaru said. then, under his breath, he added, "Like Karin…"

"Hm? What did Karin do?" Sakura didn't really mind Karin that much. Sure, she was annoying, but so were Sakura's best friends. And _sure_, she had been a bit creepy about Sasuke, but again, everyone was. It was Suigetsu that she didn't like. He scared her.

"Nothing, nothing…" Shikamaru stood. "Thanks for this."

"_And…?"_

"And," he said impatiently, "I'm sorry – _again _– for seeing you half-naked."

Sakura laughed. "I'll see you around, Shikamaru."

"Yeah, sure… hey, Saku—"

"ANKO-HIME-SAMA! ANKO-HIME-SAMAAAAAA!"

Sakura whirled around at Chouji's shrieks, and Shikamaru bumped into her. They tumbled to the floor, hitting various parts of their body against the floor with nearly-simultaneous grunts of pain.

Shikamaru groaned and opened his eyes. On the floor and in pain for the second time that day. Great. At least this time no one was on top of him…

"A-_hem_."

Shikamaru glanced down – then leapt back, horrified. Sakura sat up, glaring daggers at him, and Shikamaru stared at his traitorous hand. _God_, when was life going to cut him a break?

Sakura shot to her feet. _"Third _time, Shikamaru!" she hollered, yanking open the door and storming out.

Shikamaru didn't move from his seat in the middle of the room.

The door slammed downstairs, and he winced, then sighed, rolling his head back to stare at Chouji. He would have to find Anko, apologize – again – to Sakura, and then explain everything to Ino before she got the wrong idea and started spreading unwanted rumors.

"…Dammit."

-x-

"It's so lonely when Sakura-chan's not around," Naruto said glumly, as he and Sasuke walked to the training grounds.

"Hn." He was kind of right. It was so _quiet _without her. Naruto didn't have quite the same effect when he talked to himself.

Kakashi had disappeared after Sakura left, to go do… whatever it was that Kakashi did when he was alone, and Sai had left soon after, muttering something about dinner. Sasuke didn't really care. That had left the two of them, and Sasuke had been itching to do some training, unleash all the pent-up frustration that came with social interaction. So here they were. So close to the training grounds, Sasuke could almost _taste _victory from shoving Naruto's head into a tree…

"Hey! Naruto!"

_WHAT THE HELL._

Naruto turned, and immediately his face lit up. "Hey, guys! What's up?"

Kiba, grinning, approached them with his teammates. "Nothing much. Pageant preparations," he said, smirking at Shino.

"…You're in the pageant?"

"Oh, yeah, I cant wait 'til you see me in my new heels," Kiba said. "Moron. _Hinata's _in it."

"Hinata-chan! Really?" Naruto beamed at her. "Good for you! Sakura-chan's in it, too. This loser's the prize."

"Watch who you call a loser, loser." Sasuke glanced at Hinata. No way could she win. She could barely stand up straight under their attention, and they were only four people.

"See, better hope you _don't _win." Naruto laughed, clapping Sasuke on the back. He shot him a glare. Naruto ignored it. "Anyway, we're going to train. See you later. Good luck, Hinata-chan!"

They left, and Kiba turned to his teammates. Shino was looking at Hinata. Hinata was quivering, face beet-red, but she hadn't fainted.

"You know…" Kiba began, then grinned. "I think I might have a way to work on your stage fright, Hinata."

"O-oh?"

"Yeah," Kiba said. "See, Naruto—"

Hinata dropped to the ground, unconscious. Kiba frowned.

Shino checked his watch. "That was a new record." He leaned down and scooped Hinata up. "You were saying?"

-x-

"So, Chouji's going to be okay, then?"

"Yeah, but he's going to have _a lot _of explaining to do to his dad." Shikamaru yawned. It had been a long day. "I need a nap…"

"What are you, five?" Ino reached out and grasped Shikamaru's wrist. "Look, the sun's already setting. You can sleep in a few hours. Right now, I need you to do something for me."

Shikamaru tried tugging his arm free. No use; Ino's grip was too strong. "Like what?"

"Don't look so suspicious! It's nothing bad." Ino stared out at the horizon. Pinks, reds, purples and oranges spilled across the sky in a rainbow of color. "How's the judging going for you?"

Shikamaru quirked an eyebrow. "Fine…" That couldn't be all. "Except for this Chouji thing. And the Karin thing."

"Oh, that's why you told me to watch my back?" Ino started, nodding. Then she froze. "Wait. _What _Karin thing?"

"Uh…"

Ino's eyes gleamed with warning. _"Shikamaru…"_

Shikamaru rolled his eyes. Might as well get this over with. "She tried to seduce me."

Ino's laughter could be heard for miles.

-x-

"Okay, I'm _sure _I heard something this time!" Tenten exclaimed, spinning around and scanning the road.

"Perhaps the voices are in your head?" Lee suggested cheerfully.

Tenten stared at him. "…Sure, I guess so," she conceded, resuming her stride. On her other side, Neji snorted. "What?"

"Nothing…"

"Whatever. I'm hungry. Let's—" Tenten blinked. "Hey, isn't that the Kazekage?" Neji and Lee looked to where she was pointing and, sure enough, there was the Kazekage, flanked by his siblings, on the other side of the road.

Kankuro raised a hand in greeting when he spotted them, and he and his siblings walked across to meet them.

"Hey, how's it goin'?" Kankurou said cheerfully.

"Hello, Kazekage-sama," Neji said, bowing his head in respect.

"Hello."

"Hey, sorry, we're in a bit of a rush. Do you know where Shikamaru is?" Temari asked eagerly.

"No, sorry," Tenten said. "Why are you looking for him? maybe we can help."

"Actually, only Shikamaru can be of any real help right now," Temari said. there was something about the smirk on her face that Tenten didn't like. "But thanks, anyway. We're gonna go look for him. bye!"

They disappeared. Lee blinked.

"That was… strange."

"Your face is strange," Tenten said automatically. "Let's eat, I'm hungry."

"Only salad!" Neji and Lee said simultaneously.

Tenten groaned.

-x-

"We're going out for dinner. Wear this" was all Sai had said, before shoving a dress at Sakura and shoving her into Naruto's room. Then Ino had done her make-up, her hair, and shoved her feet into a pair of too-tight sandals, ignoring Sakura's questions and failing to hide a devious little smile.

Now Sakura sat with her teammates in a nice restaurant, in a nice red dress, and she had _no _idea what was happening.

"I have _no _idea what's happening," she said to Sai. He smiled serenely and didn't say a word.

"Neither do we," Naruto said with a shrug, and turned back to the menu. He had a black eye. Sakura had offered to heal it earlier, but then Sasuke had requested her not to.

"Yeah, but _you _didn't get all dolled up for it," Sakura pointed out. She smoothed down her hair and glanced around the restaurant, chandelier earrings swinging. "I'm getting kind of nervous…"

"We'll protect you, Sakura-chan!"

"Oh, please." Ino came up behind Sakura and leaned against the back of her chair, eyeing Naruto. "Who's going to attack at a _restaurant? _The dessert?"

"…She could choke on it," Naruto mumbled.

"Have _some _faith in me," Sakura said with a roll of her eyes. "Where were you, Ino?"

"Outside, looking for our guest."

"Guest? What guest?" Sakura's pulse sped up. Who was coming to see her? who had she had to get dressed for?

"Wait." Sakura's gaze snapped to Sasuke. his eyes were narrowed at Ino. "You mean—"

Ino nodded, beaming.

"Huh?" Naruto looked from Sasuke to Ino and back, then blinked. _"Oh…"_ He grinned. "Good job. I knew you'd come in handy."

"What?" Sakura looked from one teammate to the other. "Who is it?"

"Wow, Forehead. Even _Naruto _figured it out. You're getting stupider."

"Shut up. Who's—" Realization dawned, and Sakura looked stricken. _"No."_

"Finally," Ino muttered, leaping back when Sakura pushed out her chair and shot to her feet.

"You!" she snarled, pointing at the person in the entranceway.

"_Me," _replied Ami.

"Sasuke-kun!" Karin exclaimed, waving at him. "Hi!"

"Sorry I'm late," Kakashi said pleasantly. "Had to break up a fight." He shook the arms of the two girls he was holding in place to emphasize. "I didn't know where to put them, so I invited them along."

Sakura growled.

"Uh… bad time?"

Kakashi moved out of the entranceway, and Sakura's eyebrows shot up in confusion.

"Shikamaru?" Her face colored. _"Shikamaru!"_

"Yeah," he said, rubbing the back of his neck. "Hi."

"He's the _real _guest of honor," Ino whispered.

"Well, _duh_." Sakura grit her teeth. It was only one dinner. Even with Ami, Karin, _and _Shikamaru… how bad could it be?

As three dark figures stalked ever-closer to the restaurant, a shiver ran down Sakura's spine.

Indeed, _how _bad could it be?

* * *

Words cannot express how sorry I am for the wait. Honestly, I'm a terrible updater sometimes, but I've never been quite this bad. But these last few months have been… trying. I've been terribly busy, had massive writer's block for months, and have just felt very unfunny. Regardless, I'm now giving this story my full (er, kinda) attention, and updates should hopefully be more regular.

But since this update took a while, we'll have to pretend a lot of stuff didn't happen. Like Sasuke's freakout with Sakura and Karin.

This chapter's about 2 000 words longer than usual and, as you can see, quite a bit more insane than usual. It actually went in a totally different direction than I had planned. The dinner was supposed to be the ShikaSaku moment, but… this works out better. The next chapter is going to be _a lot_ of fun. I'm quite excited.

**Next chapter: **DINNER!


	6. Chapter 6

**Blisters on Her Feet**

_(while practicing Gracie's walk)  
"Don't pick your feet up – why are you picking your feet up?"  
"Because I'm preparing to run away."  
—Victor Melling, Gracie Hart, _Miss Congeniality

Well, this was awkward.

Shikamaru snuck a glance at Sakura, sitting across from him and flanked by her scariest teammates. They were all staring at him. Or rather, Sakura was staring at him, Sasuke was glaring – Shikamaru didn't even know _why; _what had he ever done to the guy? – and Naruto was, yes, watching him, but he looked rather amused by everything.

At the other end of the table, Ino and Karin were deep in conversation. Kakashi sat beside Ino, with Ami on the other side, beside Shikamaru. Sai sat in between Karin and Naruto. Shikamaru didn't like the way he was staring at Ino.

"So," Sakura said, in an attempt to break the tense silence that had settled over their end of the table.

"So," Naruto said, propping his chin on his hand.

"Elbows off the table," Sakura told him.

Ami made a face at her. "_God, _Sakura, you are such a _nag_."

"_God_, Ami, you are such a _hag_," Sakura shot back, half-rising from her seat. Then she yelped and fell back in her chair as something struck her shin. "What the hell! Who _kicked _me?"

Naruto looked away from her, and Sakura narrowed her eyes. She opened her mouth to demand an apology, but Sasuke nudged her gently and, as usual, she turned immediately to him.

"Cool it," he muttered out of the corner of his mouth, not looking away from the menu in his hands. "He's the judge."

Sakura stared at him for a moment, nonplussed. Then there was a soft tinkle of glass as Shikamaru accidentally knocked his glass against his plate. Sakura whipped around to gape at him.

"Sorry," he said, noting her gaze. He rubbed the back of his neck, looking exhausted. "Uh…" Shikamaru squirmed in the silence. "You were saying, Naruto?"

Naruto blinked. "Oh! Right. Okay, well, I actually had nothing to say. I just don't like silence."

"You know what that is?" Sasuke asked dryly. Naruto made a face at him, but couldn't retort because Sakura was between them and looking stunned. He didn't want to risk setting her off now.

"Anyway, the point of this dinner. I invited Shikamaru," Ino said brightly, "To meet our little beauty queen formally."

"I already knowher," Shikamaru pointed out.

Ino waved this off, just as Ami blurted: "That's cheating!"

Karin eyed her. No one at the table seemed to like the girl much. You'd think she would know when to shut up. Then again, Karin had to admire her defiance. She was a _brave _biter, at least. And she had a point, not that Karin could really talk. She wisely kept her mouth shut and gaze on the tablecloth.

"How is it cheating?" Ino said. "Like Shikamaru said, he _knows _Sakura already. We're just having dinner. It's not like she's—" Here Ino tamped down on a laugh—"offering him a lap-dance in exchange for a high score, or anything. I mean, she doesn't even know what a lap dance _is_."

"Ino!" Sakura exclaimed, aghast.

At Sasuke's glare, Ino added, "And Sakura has too much self-respect to _ever _do something like that anyway."

"What about me?" Shikamaru asked.

"What _about _you, slut?" Ino replied cheerfully.

"How sweet," Kakashi said. He turned to Ami. "This isn't cheating, Ami. You're welcome to invite Shikamaru to dinner, as well. Though it may just be easiest for you and Karin to just take advantage of _this _meal. Why don't you move down the table, Karin, to Shikamaru's other side?"

"No!" Everyone jumped, and Karin flushed. "I mean, um, Ino and I were having a really nice conversation, so—"

"Oh," Ino said sweetly, ignoring the looks Shikamaru was sending her, "That's okay. We can continue some other time. Kakashi-sensei's right! Take advantage of Shikamaru—"

"_What?"_

"—being here." Ino got up and tugged Karin out of her chair. "Come on! This could be fun! Get to know your competition!"

"I don't want to know my competition," Ami said. "I just want to destroy it."

Sakura paid her no attention. Instead, she turned to Naruto and Sasuke. "Do you have any idea what's going on here?"

"Something awesome," Naruto said. "You can see it in Ino's eyes."

"Ew, why are you staring into her eyes? She's a pig. Are you into bestiality, Naruto?"

"You're not doing a great job of impressing me, you know," Shikamaru said, then regretted it when Sakura raised an eyebrow at him.

"Then how _should _I impress you?" Her gaze flicked to Ino and Karin, then she shook her head. The guys were right. She had to calm down. "Anyway. How's Chouji?"

Shikamaru cleared his throat, looking uncomfortable, as Ino wrestled Karin into the chair beside him. "Uh, better. Kind of…"

"That's good," Sakura cut in, smiling to let him know she understood. Of course Shikamaru wouldn't want to discuss what was going on with his best friend in front of so many people. She felt bad for bringing it up. But at least she hadn't told anyone the details – about Chouji, _or _what Shikamaru had done after.

"What happened to Chouji?" Kakashi asked suspiciously.

"Nothing… Hey! Kakashi-sensei, it's _rude _to read at the dinner table!"

Kakashi slid the book over to an unsuspecting Sai. "I wasn't reading. Sai was."

Curiously, Sai picked the book up and opened it. He narrowed his eyes thoughtfully at one of the images within the vibrant covers. "What are they doing?" he asked, showing Kakashi the book.

Kakashi leaned back happily in his seat. "_That _would be a lap dance."

"Oh." Sai looked over at Sakura and held out the book. "Here, Ugly. Learn from it."

"I'll Chidori you," Sasuke snapped, as Naruto yanked the book away from Sai and, ignoring Kakashi's protests, stabbed it repeatedly with his lucky kunai.

Oblivious to the mayhem around her – living in Konoha, you got used to it – Ami asked Sakura, "Did your teammate just call you _Ugly_?" Her eyes glittered with pure glee.

Sakura flushed and wondered – not for the first time – why they didn't just leave Sai behind when they went out.

"Guess I don't have to worry about you, then," Ami went on.

"Um, Sai's not the judge," Ino said.

"Sakura-chan's not ugly," Naruto said. He was completely, unabashedly, sincere about it, and a happy, embarrassed flush stained Sakura's cheeks. "Sai's just stupid."

When Naruto looked to Sasuke for support, he nodded. "It's true. He is."

"Fail," Naruto stage-whispered to him. Sasuke sneered at him. What did he _expect _him to say? Sakura was red enough as it was.

"Of course you would say that," Ami said. "She's your teammate."

_And yet_, Karin thought, _my teammates won't support me_. Sure, Jugo might flatter her with a few choice compliments, but no way either of her teammates would go so far for her as Team Seven was for Sakura. Even Sasuke was completely ignoring Karin's efforts.

"Shikamaru," Ino snapped, and he snapped up straight, eyes bulging wide. "Stop sleeping!"

"I wasn't sleeping," Shikamaru said, rubbing his eyes blearily. He tried and failed to stifle a yawn, then shrugged. "Maybe napping a little."

"So rude," Ino said.

"How do you sleep around this team, anyway?" Sakura asked.

"You're mean, Sakura-chan…"

Sakura patted Naruto's hand absently, glancing around the restaurant. There weren't many people around, fortunately. An older couple in the far corner, paying them no mind, and a group of civilian boys a few tables over, around their age, shooting them looks. They looked a mix of suspicious (probably of Sasuke and Karin), anxious (of the combined destructive capacity of Naruto and Sakura), awed (of Kakashi), and interested (in Ino and her hair). "Maybe we should order? I'm _starving_."

Ino cleared her throat pointedly; Sakura ignored her. If she didn't get some food in her, she'd pass out. _That _would hardly impress Shikamaru.

"I want ramen," Naruto announced, without even peeking at the menu.

"Do you even _know _any other food?" Shikamaru asked.

"Nope," Sakura answered for him, not glancing up from her menu.

Naruto smiled serenely. "I like ice cream."

Ino laughed.

-x-

"I want to go in there," Tenten said. Her nose was pressed up to the frosted-glass front of a restaurant, and her voice came out muffled.

"People are staring," Neji hissed out of the corner of his mouth, trying not to appear as if he knew her.

Tenten groaned as a waiter passed the window with a tray full of food. "Neji, I'm _so hungry! _And – look – Shikamaru's in there!"

Neji had already noticed that, and he snorted. "And the best way to impress the only judge is by attacking your dinner? No."

Tenten didn't even bat an eye. She turned to Lee, and sang, "Lee, _Sakuraaaa _is there."

Lee tensed, stubbornly keeping his back to the restaurant. "I will not veer from my path, Tenten," he said in a tight voice. "My loyalty lies with you, and you alone."

"I hate you guys," Tenten said gloomily.

-x-

Feeling someone's eyes on her, Karin glanced towards the front of the restaurant. A gaunt, hollow-eyed face stared back at her, and she jumped, knocking into the table, and caught the attention of the rest of the group.

"Are you okay?" Naruto asked.

"I just—" Karin glanced back at the window; the face was gone. Had she imagined it? She shook her head; just more Konoha weirdness. Maybe they put something in the water here. "Nothing."

Ino rattled off their order to a waiter, beaming at him all the while. She was beaming all over the place today, Sakura noted. She seemed awfully proud of this dinner.

Sakura suddenly felt bad. She wasn't even _trying _to impress Shikamaru. Taking a deep breath, she spread her napkin across her lap and smiled brilliantly – or what she hoped was brilliantly – at Shikamaru.

"You have spinach in your teeth," Ami whispered, and Sakura clamped her lips shut. Ami smiled sweetly and turned to Shikamaru, who was beginning to doze off again. She nudged him.

"All this judging must be tiring, hm?"

"Um, the pageant hasn't _started _yet," Karin pointed out.

"And what's so tiring about checking out girls and not getting beat up for it?" Naruto added.

"We haven't eaten yet," Sasuke muttered to Sakura, and she stopped running her tongue over her teeth. She whipped a glare at Ami, but a warning look from Kakashi kept her from saying anything to her.

Instead, she said, "There must be a lot of preparations for the contest. Maybe Shikamaru's busy with those."

Shikamaru shook his head, yawned, and leaned his cheek against his upraised palm. "Nah, it's just…" He flicked a glance at Karin, then back at Sakura. "It's just been a long couple days."

Sakura nodded, smiling gently. Poor guy. He probably wanted to judge this pageant as little as she wanted to be in it. She wondered how he had gotten roped into it.

A waiter came up beside Sakura to refill her glass of water. He shot her a sidelong smile, and Sakura smiled back, on reflex. She noticed Naruto give her an approving nod.

When she turned back to him, Shikamaru was fiddling with the stem of his glass. He wasn't looking at her, but he wore a small, lazy smile, nodding along to whatever Ino was saying.

Gaze firmly locked with Ami's, Sakura lifted her glass in salute, and took a long sip.

Beside her, Sasuke had to stifle a smirk.

-x-

"I've been thinking," Tenten said slowly, gnawing on a carrot stick.

Tenten sounded serious, so Neji let her poor table manners slide. "About what?"

"This pageant." She set down the carrot on her otherwise-bare plate, and leaned forward, palms flat against the dining table in Neji's home. "I think it might be a plot."

"…"

"Think about it," she continues, words spilling out in a rush, "It's distracting us. It's getting poor girls like me starved and weak, and breaking bonds between competitors, and it's making teammates hate each other!"

Lee looked hurt. "You hate us, Tenten?"

"I will," Tenten said, then added, at Lee's expression, "I mean, if you guys keep feeding me rabbit food and giving me ice-cold baths, _duh!_"

Neji squirmed. He had been trying to forget the shampoo he had given her. Luckily, he was distracted just then by the dining room doors slamming open, and his cousin and her teammates traipsing in.

"Neji-nii-sama!" Hinata took a step back when she saw him. "I'm sorry for interrupting."

"Not at all," Neji said, rising to his feet. "We were finished. Please, enjoy."

"I'm still eating," Tenten said, and crunched into her carrot stick for emphasis. Neji sighed.

"Take your time," Hinata said.

"Hinata, are you _crazy?"_ Kiba asked. "Stop being so polite! They're the enemy!"

Tenten slid Neji a look.

"This _isn't _a conspiracy," he hissed.

"When Orochimaru jumps on stage in a bikini and his giant snakes eat us, you're going to regret not listening to me," she said. "Can I have another carrot?"

-x-

Sakura played with one of her earrings, palm flat against her stomach. She was _so hungry_. She knew she should have been charming Shikamaru, but all her attention was on her grumbling stomach. Even Naruto had stopped prodding her to try and impress him.

"So, Shikamaru, you're a Jounin, right?"

"It's pretty recent," Shikamaru said.

"That's really impressive! Everyone else here is a Chuunin, right?"

Shikamaru shrugged. "It's not really a big deal…"

"Sasuke's a genin," Naruto offered brightly. "That's why he gets stuck with missions like being arm-candy."

Sasuke glared daggers at him, and Sakura sighed. Couldn't her teammates _try _to get along, at least in public?

"Really? Wow, Shikamaru, you must be _really _talented."

Sakura had to hand it to Ami. With a few easy compliments, she had gathered the attention of the entire table, flattered the only judge, _and _made Sasuke jealous (he _hated _being told _anyone_ was better than him, especially Naruto, Neji, or Shikamaru). Despicable she may be, but Sakura had to grudgingly admit she'd make a great kunoichi.

"Please," Ino said, "He sleeps through every mission briefing. Don't you, you bum?"

"Man, I wish I was a Jounin so I could try for ANBU," Naruto said. "You know what my mask would be? Sasuke's face." At the strange looks he received, he explained: "Then everyone would come to me for a fight. But, you know, that'll work out poorly for them because, duh, I'm stronger than stupid Sasuke."

Sasuke leaned forward to glare across Sakura. "You want to go right now, Naruto?"

"Any time, any place, dingus."

"Get new insults," Sasuke said, half out of his chair already.

"Okay: _Sasuke_. Oh, snap!"

Karin stared between them, mouth open. "Um… why is no one stopping them?"

"If you want to try, be my guest," Sakura said. "Oh…"

"You okay, Sakura?" Kakashi called, and Sasuke and Naruto turned to her at once.

"_So _hungry," she moaned, and they turned away again.

"Suck it up, Forehead," Ino said, sounding bored.

"You all suck…" A red-and-white, plastic-wrapped candy slid across the table, and Sakura glanced up. "What's this?"

"Eat that," Shikamaru said. When Sakura continued to stare at him, he shrugged, embarrassed. "Uh, I started carrying candy around for Chouji a few years ago, and after Kurenai got pregnant and started craving these, I did it again. It'll tide you over."

"Aw," Sakura said, picking up the candy and unwrapping it. "Thanks, Shikamaru. See, guys, _this_ is what friends do!" She popped the candy in her mouth and beamed at Shikamaru.

"Sakura, you idiot," Ino said, "How is it a good idea to beg the judge of your beauty pageant to feed you?"

Sakura flushed and glanced back at Shikamaru. Beside him, Ami was smirking. "I, um, haven't eaten anything since this morning."

"Neither have I," Ami said, and Shikamaru handed her a candy as well, looking more and more awkward by the second.

Sakura had to hide a grin. She had never figured Shikamaru to be the sweet-distributing type.

"But the food really is taking a while," Kakashi observed.

"I think the servers are afraid to leave the kitchen," Ino said, nodding at something behind Sakura.

She turned, and her eyes bugged. Sasuke had Naruto in a headlock, and Naruto was slapping at Sasuke's thigh with a broken chopstick, trying to break free.

Sakura buried her head in her hands. Why did chaos follow her team everywhere?

"Clearly, the sexual tension had reached an all-time high," Sai said knowingly. "Ugly, you'd better step in."

Sakura just knew there was an insult there.

She sighed. So much for impressing the judge.

She stood, ready to shoot her chance of winning straight to hell – when two sets of doors opened. Out came the nervous-looking waiters, trays laden with dishes, and in came another layer of trouble.

Whatever break Sakura had hoped for, she wouldn't get. Not tonight, anyway.

-x-

"Hyuuga Neji," a voice boomed from the shadows.

Neji didn't even look up from the thick tome in his lap. "Inuzuka Kiba."

A rustle, then Kiba stepped out of the corner of the library. "How did you know it was me?"

"The smell," Neji said. "What do you want?"

"I have for you a proposition."

Neji set aside the book and looked up at Kiba warily. Kiba was too much like Naruto to _not _be looked at warily. "What kind of proposition?"

"An alliance." Kiba slid into the seat beside Neji and leaned forward. "Listen. I know you want your teammate to win, but you must have _some_ loyalty towards your cousin, right?"

"Both cousins are entering," Neji reminded him, knowing very well what Kiba was getting at.

"Yeah, yeah, but one's evil, so who wants her to win, right?"

Neji said nothing. He knew from experience that Hanabi could be anywhere, anytime.

"Anyway. We'll help each other out, as far as it doesn't hurt our own teammates. How does that sound?"

Neji considered. It couldn't hurt. And, much as he didn't want to admit it, Tenten needed all the help she could get. "Agreed."

"Great! So, here's the thing. I think we both know ho we have to watch out for."

Neji nodded, lip curling in distaste. "Haruno Sakura." No way would Neji let her win. He didn't care how petty it was – _Naruto_ had ignored his cousin's confession, not his teammate, though it was clear, at least to Neji, why he had – he simply could not let Sakura win.

"Right! So, I have a couple ideas for her…."

-x-

Unseen and unnoticed, Hanabi's eyes gleamed.

-x-

"Hey, lazy ass! I've been looking everywhere for you!"

Shikamaru didn't look very enthused. "What do you want?"

"Kazekage-sama!" Sakura yanked Sasuke off of Naruto, mortified. "Are you here for dinner?"

"'Sup, Gaara," Naruto wheezed, rubbing his neck.

Gaara nodded his hello at Naruto and Sasuke, then turned to Sakura. "Temari wanted to see him."

Sakura's brow furrowed, before she recalled that Temari had – somehow – signed up to participate in the pageant.

"Oh, great," Ino sighed. "Another one."

"So I hear you're judging the Miss Konoha pageant?" Shikamaru nodded. "Great! I want to win."

"Then hold a Miss Suna pageant," Shikamaru said.

"You can't just _force _him to give you the crown," Ami exclaimed, getting to her feet.

Temari glanced at her disinterestedly. Then blinked and looked at Karin. Looked back at Ami.

"Um, you guys need a new hairdresser."

"Looks like there won't be much competition in this pageant," Kankuro muttered in Sakura's ear, and she jumped.

"That's mean," she said, and he shrugged.

"Whatever, my sister's hair is weird, too. It's pretty obvious Ino's gonna win. She _is _his teammate."

"Ino's not competing."

"Oh." Kankuro reconsidered for a moment. "Well. Then maybe Temari has a chance." He raked his gaze over Sakura, then smiled. "Mayer you could win. You look good."

Sakura felt her face heat. "I—thanks." She cleared her throat. "Would you two like to join us for dinner?" The food had arrived, and the smells of dinner were making her stomach increase the volume of its demands.

"I could eat," Kankuro said, taking Naruto's seat beside Sai at once.

"Kazekage-sama?"

Gaara took Sasuke's seat, and Sakura retook hers, very aware of all the other diners' gazes on their table.

"Hey," Naruto complained. "You took my seat!"

Sakura grit her teeth. "Get another chair, Naruto. Sasuke-kun, just sit beside Ino." How much more of this could Sakura take? The others were no help. Karin was silent, Ami was seething, and Ino and Temari were arguing. Kakashi-sensei had returned to his book, not looking bothered in the least by his surroundings, and only Sai had begun to eat.

Across from her, Shikamaru met her gaze, looking exhausted and unhappy, and Sakura nodded. She could relate.

Really, something _had _to give.

And suddenly, something did.

"Can you _please_ stop hovering over me?" Ami snapped at Temari.

Temari frowned. "Watch it," she said. "Don't you know who my brother is?"

"The Kazekage," Ami said, with a quick glance at Gaara. "I know. That doesn't give you any excuse to practically stand on top of me. Why are you here, anyway? You're not allowed to compete."

"I'm practically an honorary Konoha…ian?" Temari looked to Kankuro, who shrugged. "Konohite? Konohese?"

"Please stop trying," Ino said. "And no, you're not. You're disqualified."

"The judge should be the one to decide that," Temari said. "Your call, lazy ass, make it the right—Shikamaru? Shikamaru!"

He was well and asleep again, and didn't seem ready to wake anytime soon. Temari was furious.

Karin looked at them, then at Sakura. "Does this kind of thing happen a lot around here?"

"More than you'd think," Sakura said glumly. "I don't remember the last time I had a normal meal out."

"But what about _her_?" Temari demanded, pointing at Karin. "Don't tell me she's _already _a citizen!"

"I _am_, actually," Karin said, narrowing her eyes. "I'm well within my rights as a _Konohan_ to participate in this pageant." Her gaze flicked to Sasuke, who wasn't even looking at her, and she raised her voice. "And I plan to win."

"We'll see about that," Temari said. She jabbed Shikamaru in the neck. "Wake _up_, you good-for-nothing sloth!"

Shikamaru peeled one eye open. "What."

"Tell everyone that I'm allowed to participate!"

"You're not."

"Gaara!"

Gaara looked up from his meal and met Shikamaru's sleepy gaze. "Allow her," he said stonily. He didn't really want to take Temari home in this state, anyway.

Shikamaru shrugged. "Fine. Have fun, hope you win, enjoy your stay…"

"'_Hope you win'?" _Ino screeched, rising to her feet. Gone was her bubbly glee from earlier. Now she was enraged. "You're the judge, you idiot! _Watch what you say!_"

Temari nodded, wearing a pleased little grin.

"_All _of you!" Ino went on, seemingly oblivious to the terrified stares she was getting from around the restaurant, "Out! This is _my _contestant's dinner with the judge. Mine! You—" She pointed at Temari—"Get permission from the Hokage! You—" She swiveled to face Ami—"Get out before I stick a dozen roses down your throat! And _you_…"

Karin jumped. She had barely said anything all dinner; what was Ino mad at _her _for?

"Try using feminine wiles on Shikamaru again, and I'll turn you into a man."

Karin blanched, not in the least because everyone – including Sasuke! – had turned their full attention on her, looking very interested. Only Shikamaru leaned his head in his hands, sighing deeply.

"Oh, shut _up_," said an unfamiliar voice, and a second later, a plate of noodles walloped Ino in the side of the head. The plate thunked to the ground, cracking slightly.

Silence.

Then Ino whirled, eyes sparking, to see the older woman who had been dining with her husband in the corner, hands on her hips, glaring at her.

"Are you insane?" Naruto yelped.

"No," Ino said, calmly leaning over to grab the plate of chicken Kankuro had been reaching for, "But she _will _be sorry."

"Ino, no!" Sakura shouted, and Kakashi was on her in a flash. Ino twisted out of his grip, letting the plate go – but her aim was off, and the plate veered to the left, lost momentum, and—

"Ow!"

—Landed on a civilian teenager's head.

"Sorry!" Ino gasped, hands going to her mouth.

The boy's friend glared and tossed a piece of fish from his plate at Ino, hit a waiter, and, before long, the restaurant was in chaos. Food flew left and right, hitting Sasuke and Sai. A handful of rice even spattered against Kakashi before he calmly dunked a bowl of stew over the offending chef.

Only Gaara and Sakura remained in their seats, unmarked. Gaara continues with his meal, and Sakura was too appalled to move. She glanced at Shikamaru, who appeared to be dozing once more, but when a stray broccoli whipped his ear, he opened one eye to glare at it.

An instant later, Sakura caught, out of the corner of her eye, a heaping of vegetables and rice whizzing through the air, and time seemed to freeze.

It was headed right for the Kazekage.

Without remembering that Gaara was a _ninja_, and no way had he not noticed the food projectile rapidly approaching, Sakura pushed her chair back, shot to her feet, and leapt. The food slammed into her chest, bits of vegetable smacking her skirt, rice flying down her dress, and sauce staining her hair. One piece of corn even landed in the hoop of her earring.

Half a second after Sakura crashed to the ground, covered in someone else's dinner, a wall of sand went up around Gaara.

The restaurant fell silent.

"Oh, my God." Quick, light footsteps, then Ino was kneeling by Sakura's head, looking concerned. "Are you okay?"

Sakura sat up. Her dress clung uncomfortably to her, and she reeked of soy sauce. "I'm a mess…"

Ino glared at the people surrounding them. "Okay, who tried to dunk the Kazekage?"

No answer. Sakura pushed to her feet.

"Uh…. Maybe we should go," Kankuro said.

Gaara stood up, dusting himself off. "I think so." The sand disappeared into his gourd, and Gaara turned to Sakura. "Thank you. Kankuro." He swept out of the restaurant without another word, leaving Kankuro to fumble with his wallet. He tossed down a few bills before running off, as if afraid someone would clobber him with a pitcher of water next.

Ami stamped her foot. "You guys are _crazy_," she wailed. "All of you!" And she too was gone.

Sasuke was practically sweating murderous intent, and it wasn't long before the other patrons of the restaurant disappeared. The staff fled to the kitchen.

"Do you think this means we don't have to pay?" Naruto wondered aloud. There was a smack. "Ow!"

"Idiot," Sasuke muttered, shaking out his hand. Naruto had an insanely hard head.

Sakura peeled a baby carrot from Ino's hair. Then, as one, they all turned to Shikamaru. Karin stood beside him, looking very small.

"_Karin _seduced you?" Sasuke asked, breaking the silence.

"Karin seduced _you_?" Naruto echoed.

"Karin _seduced _you?" Sakura demanded.

"_Tried _to seduce me!" Shikamaru corrected, but the damage was done. Karin flushed and shoved past him to the door. Sasuke watched her go, then raised an eyebrow at Shikamaru. Naruto howled with laughter, much as Ino had. Even Sai – _Sai! –_ and Kakashi looked rather amused.

But that wasn't the worst of it.

"She… seduced you?" Temari said in a deceptively calm voice. Shikamaru jumped. He had thought she left with her brothers. "And you _let _her?"

Shikamaru's jaw dropped. "What was I supposed to do about it?" he sputtered. What was _wrong _with everyone lately? Was the beauty pageant making everyone _crazy?_

"Is that what it's going to take to win?" Sakura asked softly, right in his ear. Shikamaru jumped and spun around. She looked serious, almost scared.

"No!" Why did everyone seem to think he was Konoha's manwhore? "She's just – she was just trying to even the playing field, I mean – "

"Trying to _even _the playing field?" Okay, Temari wasn't pretending to be calm anymore. She was _screeching_.

Shikamaru winced. "She _was _part of Team Hebi—"

"And I'm not even a citizen of this village! Does that mean _I _should strip down and hang all over you?"

"Well, Karin didn't actually do that…"

"You're _sick!" _And with that, Temari upended a bowl of vanilla ice cream on his head, turned on her heel, and stalked out.

Shikamaru watched her go, dumbfounded. What the hell had just happened?

He was snapped out of his daze by Naruto clapping him on the back. "Smooth, Shikamaru."

"I always said you were _quite _the ladies' man," Ino giggled, nudging Sakura with her hip. "Didn't I tell you, Forehead?"

Sakura didn't answer for a long moment. She stared, silently, at Shikamaru. He stared back, not even blinking as ice cream melted and dripped down his forehead, into his eyes.

Finally, she took a deep breath and stepped forward. "I'm _not _seducing you."

Shikamaru rolled his eyes. "I don't _want _you to seduce me." He heard a distinct _"You better not," _from Sasuke, behind him. "You _can't_." She could probably get disqualified for that, and – and why was she glaring at him like that?

"Ohhhhh, man…" Naruto said. Shikamaru could hear the smile in his voice, and he took a hasty step back from Sakura.

She was scowling at him.

"I _know_," she said. "I didn't _want _to wear this dress, anyway!"

…_What_.

Sakura yanked off her heels and threw them at Shikamaru's feet. "Stupid things _hurt_, anyway. _You _can have them. I don't need cheap tricks to win. And I _will _win," she added, staring around the restaurant. Even with vegetables in her hair, a torn skirt, and bare feet, she was scary. She narrowed her eyes at him. "I'll protect my team. Just you wait, Shikamaru. You'll see just how hot Haruno Sakura can be."

A beat passed.

"Try not to get burned," she added, and Naruto groaned under his breath as she flounced out.

"And she was doing so well…"

Ino bent to pick up the shoes. "Well," she said, examining a scuff on one of the straps. She looked up at Shikamaru, "Can't win 'em all, I guess." She laughed at the look on his face. "Three girls in, what, five minutes? Smooth going, Romeo."

"I…" Shikamaru ran a hand over his face. It came away sticky with ice cream, and he grimaced. Oh yeah. He forgot. "I need a nap," he said.

"And a shower," Kakashi said.

"And to try and make peace with Sakura-chan," Naruto added.

"And Temari. Avoid a war," Ino said.

"And Karin," Sasuke said. When everyone turned to gape at him, he said, looking annoyed, "Why does everyone look at me like that when I _talk_?"

"It's very out-of-character for you," Naruto said. "Stick to ass-bows and silent brooding. Much more attractive," he added, flashing Sasuke a thumbs-up.

Awkward silence fell. Sasuke looked horrified.

"…Where did I go wrong with you two?" Kakashi asked.

* * *

Honestly, I have no idea where the time has gone. This chapter was, honestly, started only a few days after my last update, so I was shocked to realize it had been nearly a full year since then. I am so, _so _sorry. I have no excuse. Hopefully this chapter was worth it – God knows I had an absolute blast writing it. I don't think I've ever enjoyed writing _anything _as much. I spat out about 3,700 words in the last day and a half. It was great. It's a little longer than even the last chapter, as well, so. Am I forgiven?

I'll try to update at least once more before summer is over, but I make no promises. I always seem to break them.

**Next chapter: **Kiba starts to plot, Hanabi's scheming puts even Anko to shame, and Sasuke and Naruto _finally _step up. Meanwhile, Sakura searches for an ally. Konoha's turning into a battlefield – again.


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